Thursday, October 2, 2014

"I do not need to be thin to feel like I've won..."

If you experience a variety of hopes, fears, setbacks, and triumphs on the road to liberation from eating problems, you're not alone!   One young woman, Kim Edwards, wrote a book about her experiences and today I'm sharing some of her words with you:

Letting you go:
Dear Ed 
As hard as you clasp and refuse to let go
I hope in your version of hearts that you know
That despite towards my body I continue to sin
The Lord is my savior and he won’t let you win
You no longer can have me for I am his child
All of these years I fought with defiance
But this is the moment when I take back the reigns
Push you away and let out all of my pain
The pain kept me sheltered and tangled with you
Under it all I promise I knew
That I am me without your self harm
And I do not need to be thin to feel like I’ve won
I am a me I have not gotten to know
But starting today I am letting you go

Divorce From Ed
On August 21, 2012, I Kim Edwards will begin the divorce filings from what I have thought was my better half for many years. Yes, Ed and I will separate and go our own ways. I have yet to comprehend all the paths that I can follow, dreams I can reach and goals I can accomplishEd has not allowed me to see beyond his bitter, angry, and hateful rage towards those who have hurt me and the pain I have tried so hard to escape. Despite the long awaited comprehension that his and my relationship is dangerously unhealthy as well as the fact that son of a bitch cheated on me, I will miss him. I will miss him because while with him I was hypnotized into believing we were one therefore unable to see me, the REAL me.
...For years Ed has told me that I by taking in food I was giving up the control to forget and numb out the traumatic events that even Mr. Clean can’t magically erase; that if I starve, over exercise and purge I can take back some control. But really all that was doing was punishing me furtherIntellectually I know that but right now my brain is suffering from lack of nutrition which means rationality is incapable of seeping in for more than a couple of minutes. That’s why this divorce begins on Tuesday, the day I return to Centre Syracuse, a team of people who truly care and want to help me becomesuccessful and healthy using many different tools and skills. 
...Part of moving forward involves confronting your past, understanding it’s a part of you but not all of you. I can stay bound a prisoner of my pain or use is as strength, wisdom and empowerment to move forward. 
My past has shaped me into the being I am today as painful as some of it was. I will indeed look back but only for wisdom and guidance on what I should and shouldn’t do and a reminder of where I came from and the progress that I have made, but I will NOT stay stuck!! I am more than my eating disorder and the events that caused it. That is why Ed and I cannot work. From here on out it’s just me Kimberly Melissa Edwards. Ed find another partner, perhaps someone in prison. They aren’t missing out on much the food in there sucks anyway!

A word from Kim:

"This book is a collection of stories written in the format of journal entries, quotes and poems. I hope to connect with readers through my un-edited and un-filtered experiences on a personal level. My journey has included, but is not limited to, issues concerning trauma, depression, eating disorders and everyday struggles. I challenge each issue with humor in attempt to help lighten such a difficult set of topics that are far more common than many of us are willing to admit. May this benefit readers by helping them understand they are not alone and that the struggles we face are just part of bigger story.

For more from Kim, here's the Amazon link to her book, "Kim Unscripted."

1 comment:

CakeSpy said...

Awesome!! I just devour ED recovery books (pun not intended). I already love her mindset from this post so I am sure I will adore the book. Yay for this type of separation!