How To Survive The Holidays - Part 2

CLICK HERE to listen to the interview.

What's the main cause of anxiety over the holidays?

Family, definitely.  And, food. 

The holidays start with Thanksgiving (at least they do in the United States) and Thanksgiving is often referred to as “National Binge Day” – the whole day is a tribute to excess. 

You’re expected to overeat.  It’s even considered bad manners not to try everything on the table.  If you struggle with food, this can be extremely challenging.

Another problem with the holidays is everyone talks about food.  A lot.

Some relatives get offended if you don’t try everything.  Someone will say, “I know you’re watching your weight but you’re just GOT to try my pecan pie.  One bite won’t hurt you.  Go on, have some.”

And then there are the people who watch every bite they eat – and every bite YOU eat.

They say, “Oh, I shouldn’t have this.”  Or worse, “Do you think you should eat that?  Do you really need that?”

And then there are people who talk about food as if it’s a person.  “Oh, what a beautiful turkey.  What a gorgeous ham.  Everything looks beautiful.  I’m so in love with this meal.”

Personally, I don’t think food is beautiful or gorgeous.  People are beautiful (inside and out).

Love belongs to relationships between humans.  You love your husband, your wife, your girlfriend, boyfriend, your kids, your parents.  Food isn’t worthy of your love.

All this focus on food can lead to a lot of stress – you’re anxious, upset, and sad – and if you don’t have other strategies to deal with those stressful emotion, that makes you more vulnerable to using food to cope. 

So it can be a vicious cycle.  The key is to learn to express feelings in words, instead of behavior.

How do you stop the cycle?

People often think they are triggered by food but they’re not.  They’re usually triggered by situations and experiences that are painful or upsetting, and make them want to turn to food to cope – to numb, or distract from what’s upsetting them.

Start by asking yourself some questions:

*What is the most difficult part of the holidays?  Food?  Family?  Lack of family?

*What do you like about the holiday season?  What do you dislike?

*What helps during this time?

*What doesn’t help?

*What are the emotional triggers?

This helps you understand yourself better and know what your true triggers are – situational and emotional.  When you deal with and process those situations and feelings directly, you won’t use food as a coping strategy.

What is my top survival tip for the holidays?

Be a social anthropologist.    

When you're watching and observing, you're not a participant.  Observing means creating some distance and that distance can be very illuminating.

When you hear your mom or dad or grandparents criticize your sister or brother or cousin, or even themselves, you can see more clearly how you learned to criticize yourself. 

When you realize that your mother apologizes for every bite she eats, you’ll recognize how you learned to feel guilty for every bite you take.

It doesn’t matter whether you celebrate Christmas or Hannukah or Kwanza, or nothing, pay attention to what’s going on around you.

Which category does everyone at the table fit into?  Are they drunk, jealous, show-offs, or relentlessly perfect?

What do you like about them?  What do you appreciate?  What do you dislike?  Give yourself permission to hold the positive and negatives about others – it’ll make it easier to hold both about yourself.

Do you like people better because they’re thin?  Probably not.

When you’re observing others, you don’t feel as much under observation.  That makes you feel less self-conscious, and you feel better.  When you feel better, you’re less likely to use food to cope.

Add some gratitude!

It’s the holidays, and ultimately the holidays are about gratitude, so be grateful.  Think of one thing you appreciate; whether it’s a person or a situation, because hanging onto one good thing can keep you going when things are challenging.   

And with that in mind, be grateful for yourself, and practice self-acceptance and self-care.  You’ll feel better, and when you feel better, you’re less likely to use food to cope.  And as I like to say to my listeners and viewers, that’s how you win the diet war.

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https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/

How To Survive The Holidays - Part I

(Click the photo HERE to listen to the interview).

It's that time of year again.  The holidays are upon us.  Perhaps that fills you with a sense of joy.

Or possibly dread.  

Possibly both.

If you feel conflicted about the holidays, you're not alone. 

Why are the holidays so difficult for so many people?

For one thing, we’re often saturated with media images of how it’s” supposed to be.”  At this time of year, TV commercials and magazine ads start showing happy, loving, close families (and by the way, they’re usually white and well-off), all gathered over a table loaded with food, beaming and grateful for their wonderful lives. 

If that’s your reality, consider yourself very lucky.  But for many people, if not most, this is a fantasy world that’s not even close to reality.

If it seems as if everyone in the world is living a perfect Hallmark holiday life, full of peace, love and happiness - and then there’s YOUR family, that can be painful.

The contrast can be really difficult especially if you think the picture perfect image is how it’s supposed to be, and it’s just not.  

That’s depressing for a lot of people, which leads to overeating as a way to numb or distract from the pain.  Or, because these families are often shown eating, eating or overeating can be a way of “feeling” like you’re part of the picture perfect holiday family.

Reality is tough

Ever see the movie, Reality Bites?  Reality is often painful and can never measure up to an image, fantasy or idea about how things "should" or "could" be.    

These days, the term "reality" is associated with reality shows on TV.  And lots of families include people that are right out of a reality show.  There are certain types of characters that run in families:

Drunk relatives – either happy drunks or angry drunks; neither is fun.

Overly cheerful, aren’t-we-happy and isn’t-everything-perfect relatives that are usually living in denial of reality.

Jealous relatives – the ones who have a negative comment about everything you do or say.

Show-offs – they think they’re better than everyone else because they can outspend everyone else in the family

Then there are those who only talk about how great it used to be back in the day.  They just can’t handle being in the present.

No matter what the issues are in families, it can sometimes be depressing or upsetting.  That's when grieving is important, which means processing the limits of what you had and accepting what you will not experience.  The process of mourning involves a range of emotions, from anger, sadness, disappointment, to acceptance. 

When you allow yourself to think what you think during the holiday season, and feel what you feel, you will be less likely to need or use some form of distraction, such as food, to cope.

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https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/

5 Ways To Deal With Disappointment

Does this sound familiar?

“I didn’t sign up for this.”

“I thought things would be different.”

“I feel so stupid for thinking it would work out.”

“I can’t believe I trusted that person.”

Paulette recently went into escrow on her dream house – and then the deal fell apart.   She said, “I feel so stupid for thinking things would go my way.   I can’t believe I let myself get so excited about the house.  I should have known better.”

A moment later she added, as if in jest, “I bet stuff like this doesn’t happen to skinny people.” 

Paulette was disappointed about losing her dream house.  Instead of processing the disappointment, she turned on herself, accusing herself of not being psychic, and joking that  thinner people don't have to deal with things not working out.  

In other words, if she changed her weight and became one of those "skinny people," she’d never be disappointed again. 

This is an illusion, because you cannot manage life situations by controlling your weight.

The definition of disappointment is, “the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations” (Google dictionary).

Disappointment can be about a person or situation.  It is often more acute than "sadness or displeasure" because there are many other elements bound up in the experience of disappointment, including the notion of losing basic trust in others and in the world.

If other people and/or situations seem unpredictable or unreliable, you may be vulnerable to turning away from others and relating primarily to your body or to food.  

When things don’t work out or someone lets you down, you may also feel a sense of powerlessness or helplessness.  Focusing on your powerlessness over food, which you ostensibly can control, may be preferable to experiencing powerless in the context of your relationships or in the world.

If you’re disappointed in yourself for something that is food, weight or body image related, you may be displacing feelings towards others and turning them on yourself, as Paulette did.

Food for thought:

Ask yourself the following questions:

What situations and/or people are disappointing me?

What is going on in your life that is causing disappointment?   Perhaps a friend has let you down, or other things have not gone as planned. 

What does it mean about you? 

i.e., Perhaps you fear that you’re not good enough, not omniscient, that you somehow should have known better.  If so, explore the basis of your self-esteem and the meaning of powerlessness.

What does it mean about other people?

i.e., You cannot trust others, that they are inherently self-serving and will throw you under the proverbial bus?  If so, consider where you learned that people are inherently not trustworthy.

What does it mean about the world?

i.e., The world is an unfair, unsafe place and there are no rules.  Bad things can happen to good people.  If so, explore your life experiences and identify what you may be re-experiencing in the context of this situation.

What does it mean about the future?

i.e., Nothing is ever going to go your way and there’s no point in trying or trusting again.  If so, examine your ideas about hopelessness.

When you acknowledge your disappointment and process the underlying anxieties about your good enough-ness, powerlessness, trust, fairness, and hopelessness, you can move forward – like Paulette, who is now the proud owner of another house that she ended up liking as much as the first.

When you deal with the underlying emotions and conflicts that impact your sense of wellbeing, you make peace with yourself.  When you do that, you will make peace with food.

Dr. Nina

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https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/

Good-bye Sweet Scale...

Read Today's Guest Post by Laurie Weaver.

Good-bye Sweet Scale, I knew him well…

It’s day one of our separation, my former beloved scale and me. I’m surprised by how very much I miss our dysfunctional relationship and by how much I defined my life by trying to meet its irrational needs.

The closest thing I can compare the antsy, ‘don’t know what to do with myself’ feeling is to when I gave up smoking. Giving up smoking is HELL on WHEELS. I had to spend about 1000 months sitting in the bathtub eating Milk Duds because I never smoked in the bathtub and the sugar gave me a rush similar to the nicotine.

Lordy, I haven’t thought of that in years!

How can NOT stepping on a physical object give me withdrawal symptoms? This is NUTSO! Suppose I just hadn’t gotten around to stepping on it yet, I wouldn’t care. It’s the whole “quitting” thing. But what am I ACTUALLY quitting?

The scale is a symbol of my deeply entrenched diet/compulsive/binge cycle. It’s the arbitrator of when I do what actions in this cycle. It’s the Lord of my brain. The director of all. The Czar of potato chips or broccoli. How can I cope all on my own?

Hmm, even rereading these true feelings kind of gives me the willies.

Let me try logic to calm these feelings – doesn’t usually work with me, but let’s give it a go.

Self! Listen Up!

1.    Our body weighs whatever it weighs whether or not we are on the scale.

2.    The scale never changed one once of weight.

3.    We did that by our behaviors.

4.    We BASED our behaviors on the FEELINGS generated by the daily scale number

5.    How did THAT work out for us HMMM??

Hmm, logic is kind of bossy. I don’t think I respond well to bossy while in the painful throws of withdrawal. Let’s try empathy. More my style.

Self Honey, Come let me give you a hug!

1.    That scale has never been kind to us and we deserve kindness and respect.

2.    I love you self no matter what we weigh.

3.    It’s OK to be whatever size we are because we are MORE then just our body.

4.    I know it’s scary, but the scale can’t tell us how you feel inside.

5.    It’s going to be ok. We can trust our body to tell us what to eat.

Wow, I feel kind of better with the empathetic approach, but still suspicious and slightly pissed off. Like when your mom tells you that you are pretty when all of the kids call you names based on your looks, and when the therapist says how good you are when you are paying money for them to be “into your feelings”. Nice to hear, but I can’t quite let it in.

How about I try the rational “What the hell have we got to lose?” approach?

Self, let’s think about this together

Q. Self, what’s the Worse that can happen?

A. I can gain 100 pounds and not notice.

Q. On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being not a chance in hell, and 10 you can bet your life, how likely is that to happen?

A. Umm 2?

Q. How likely is it you will start to pay more attention to your inner feelings without a daily weigh-in?

A. Umm 10?

Q. And on a scale of 1-10 if this doesn’t work out for us, can we change our mind?

A. 10, but I would look like a failure and a fool if I changed my mind.

Q. What’s wrong with that?

A. I’d feel badly

Q. Why?

A. Because if I appear perfect and good and that all is well with me, people will finally accept me.

Q. Who has accepted you more? The scale or the brave companions who listen and participate in your show who know you are NOT perfect?

A. I guess we can toss the Milk Duds.

Addendum:

It’s now been over 3 months since I’ve set foot on a scale and I can tell from the fit of my clothing that my size has not changed. It’s a miracle! For the first time in over 50 years I have not let my mood nor my behavior be driven my that “Magic Number” of how gravity is reacting to my particular mass on any given day.

I still have days where I feel fat. These days usually occur if I ate salty foods the day before or if it’s a very hot day today, or when emotionally, I’m not feeling great about myself.  As I progress with learning to eat according to my own emotional and physical needs, I’m beginning to trust my body and myself.

It is strange to be driving without an external map, floating freely without an external compass and to be living an authentic life based on how I feel inside vs. what society or the latest diet theory is directing me to do or feel. At first I felt lost. Now I feel free. In the space that used to be reserved for endless calorie counting, or food equations or obsessive worry about what restaurant my friends might pick and could I eat there, or would I be a killjoy, I now have time to live.

I’m studying voice acting and singing lessons for the first time. I joined a writers’ social and writing exercise group and I actually attend. I say yes to social invitations and ask other people about their lives. I enjoy the food I choose to eat. I regret no food. I lash myself about eating no more.

My weight?

My physical body is still over 200 pounds since 208 was my last recorded number and my size has not changed.

My emotional weight?

Light as a feather.

Biography:

Laurie Weaver is the creator and host of the popular podcast and blog, Compulsive Overeating Diary which is based on her real and truthful ongoing journey to learn how to live a life free from the fear of food, where she enjoys food and where she builds authentic relationships vs. using compulsive eating behaviors to push people away.

Following a serious biking accident, Laurie retired young from a corporate job in technology and dove headfirst into learning what retirement had to offer. Laurie is also a formally trained educator. She’s created and presented many diverse educational seminars ranging from teaching techniques, to programming concepts for the non-programmer to how to discover your retirement identity.  Laurie’s known for her sense of humor and for making even the driest topic sizzle. Now she’s out to bring that fun and joie de vivre to retirees, brave companions and other adventure seekers.

http://compulsiveovereatingdiary.com

https://www.facebook.com/compulsiveovereatingdiary

Twitter @AdventureLaurie