How To Say NO To People

Is it difficult to say "no" to people?

Do you often agree to do things you don’t want to do?  Feel like you give in too easily? 

I'm going to show you how to say "no" with more ease.  First, identify why it's so tough to set boundaries with others.  Some common reasons include:

You feel guilty – as if it’s wrong to choose yourself

You feel like a burden – as if it’s asking too much to choose what you want if someone else wants something different

You don't want to seem difficult – as if saying no makes you difficult and too much trouble

You don't want to upset anyone – as if you’re responsible for the feelings of others

You're afraid to hurt someone’s feelings – as if what another person wants, thinks or feels is more important than what you want, think or feel

You fear rejection – as if people won’t like you or want to be your friend if you disappoint them

You fear retaliation – as if people will reject/hurt/abandon you if you displease them

Which of these resonates with you?

What does this have to do with food & disordered eating?

If you say “yes” when you really mean “no,” what happens to your resentment towards the person making the request?  Or your anxiety about doing something you don't want to do?   When you don’t express emotions in words, you’re vulnerable to disordered eating in the following ways:

*Turning to food for comfort or distraction.  

*Bingeing and purging as a way of symbolically ridding yourself of your emotions.

*Restricting as a symbolic way to deny that you feel anything.

*Getting upset at yourself for your weight 

How do you avoid this?  By saying “no” when people ask you to do something you don’t want to do.  

Here's how to say "No":

Step One: acknowledge the other person’s request:  

“I know you really need or want me to _____”

Step Two: set the limit.  “...But that doesn't work for me."

Example:  Imagine a friend asks to borrow money. 

Step One is, "I understand you're in a tough place right now...."  

Step Two is, "...but I make is a rule not to lend money to friends."

That way it's not personal.  This is your rule, these are your boundaries, and you'll feel less rejecting.

Example:  Imagine you hate horror movies but your friend/spouse/partner wants to see the latest scary movie.  

Before you commit to a night of hiding behind your hands and having nightmares later, say, "I know you'd really love to see  that movie, but those movies give me nightmares and I don't enjoy them.  How about seeing something we'll both like?"

It gets easier with practice!

Step Three:  Take your own side

Don’t apologize, Don’t make excuses, Don’t justify or explain.  Do set limits.

Step Four:  Give yourself the right to have rights.

You have the right to set boundaries, the right to you’re your needs, wants, time and interests as important as those of others.  

When you are comfortable with those rights, you won’t need to comfort or distract yourself with thoughts of diet, weight, exercise or calories.  And that's how you make peace with food!

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