How To Know What You're Feeling

Several years ago my patient Bonnie's husband joined our session so he could better understand her binge eating.   

I explained that her binges were a "symptom" of an underlying problem, not "the" problem.  

Bonnie was coping with her emotions by turning to food .  Our job was to focus on what was eating "at" her rather than what she was eating.

Her husband said that in his opinion, Bonnie lacked willpower. 

Bonnie broke down sobbing. Her husband made no move to comfort her.

I was struck by his indifference.  I asked, "What does it feel like to see your wife crying?" 

He sighed. "I feel like she just needs to go on a diet and lose weight. Then she'll feel better about herself."

That couple is now divorced (no surprise, right?).

Bonnie's husband thought he was expressing a feeling but in fact was expressing his thoughts and opinion.  In fact, many people say they "feel" something when in fact they are "thinking" a thought.

Many people have difficulty identifying their emotions.  Or, if they know what they're feeling, they are not sure how to express themselves. 

Recently I discovered a way to answer those questions - and it's fun! Feeling Magnets is a tool to help you identify and understand your emotions.  

Intrigued?  Here's the creator of Feeling Magnets to tell you more!  

"Growing up we learn an array of life skills. We learn to count, calculate and measure.  We discover how to write, spell and write poetry.  We focus on getting through school, having a career and perhaps starting a family. 

Yet we don’t really learn to “feel”. 

We don’t learn about emotions or how to navigate them in a healthy way.

We often struggle to know what we are feeling and to distinguish between feelings and thoughts. The result: we become disconnected from our emotions.

We suppress them with food, shopping, drinking or other distractions  - and all the consequences that come from that (being overweight, having credit debts, staying insanely busy until we reach burnout, and so on).

The founders of Feeling Magnets set out to change that. 

The first step?  Recognizing and naming feelings.  

Sounds so easy right? Well… not so much. 

We created Feeling Magnets to help us along this journey.  Now, we can help you!

Feeling Magnets supports you on your journey to reconnecting with your emotions.  They help you recognize what you feel, accept those feelings and navigate them.

They help you build a healthy relationship with your emotions instead of suppressing them with food.  This is how they work their magic:

1. Naming emotions. There is a remarkable power in finding the right words for what you feel.   Feeling Magnets support you in recognizing and naming your emotions.

2. Crisis management.  When you’re triggered, checking in with your feelings before opening the fridge, is powerful. 

Identifying emotions changes the focus of your mind away from the food. Sifting through the feelings allows the urge to.

3. Breaking patterns.  Recently one woman shared how Feeling Magnets helped her realize she felt guilt and shame when she telephoned her mother-in-law.  For years she had a “snack” right afterwards. As soon as she connected the dots, she was able to change this pattern.

4. Playful discovery. Some of the most insightful discoveries can happen in the least expected times and places. We made Feeling Magnets portable, so that they can go wherever you go!

As founders of Feeling Magnets, we realize how many aspects of our lives are impacted by our ability to process our emotions. 

We believe that if you don’t deprive yourself of feeling your emotions, you don’t need to deprive ourselves of anything that you love (including food) and that you will also achieve balance."

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Feeling Magnets give you everything you need to process your emotions.   Check it out now:  www.feelingmagnets.com

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https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/

Hope Appears In The Distance

   

Today's guest blog is written by a survivor of sexual and emotional abuse who wishes to remain anonymous.  Her story illustrates how victims of abuse often enact the abuse they suffered from others on their own bodies.   Today, she is battling to feel whole, to feel lovable, to stop the abuser-abused cycle.  As her title suggests, there is hope on the horizon.  Note: some descriptions may be triggering 

           " If my mom ever found out I was writing this and essentially telling the world our dirty family secret, I believe I would be disowned. If her husband ever found out, I would be killed. I’m sure you think I am exaggerating, but by the time you finish reading this, you will believe me.

So why would I want to share my story and risk so much? I believe that it is important to own our stories. And by sharing our stories with others, perhaps we can find purpose in our pain. Maybe my story will encourage someone to reach out for help. And if I can help one person by telling my story, it is worth the risk.

I thought I was fat when I was a toddler, and by the time I was six, I refused to sit on anyone’s lap. I was terrified that I would somehow break them. So, although I believe the abuse played a significant role in my eating disorder, I cannot say that it was the total reason for it.

My mom remarried when I was about nine or ten. Almost immediately he began making weird comments, trying to touch my chest, and sleeping naked with his bedroom door open. I didn’t quite understand what was happening. When I found money all over my bedroom the next morning, I thought something magical had happened. What kid doesn’t like finding money?

But then it happened. I can’t say I remember everything that happened. The abuse happened in one form or another until Easter 2011. I was watching TV. It was a school night. He started touching my legs. I froze. What was happening? What was about to happen? I knew it wasn’t right, but I couldn’t scream or move or do anything. I was terrified. Then he moved my underwear to the side. I was so scared I couldn’t move.

After he was done, he went to my mom and confessed what he had done.    Instead of my mom being angry at him, she told me to pack my bags. She sent me to stay with my aunt and uncle for a few days. So many people knew what had happened. No one did anything about it.

During this time, I began starving myself. I thought that if I looked like a little girl, he wouldn’t want to touch me anymore. When I did eat, I would purge. I would restrict until I passed out. I tried so hard to make my body disappear. I thought that as I got older, I would learn to accept my body, so the purging and restricting wasn’t a big deal.

Except now it has been over twenty years of purging, bingeing, abusing diet pills and laxatives, etc. I continue to abuse my body. I have picked up where he left off. I’m not sure why I feel like I deserve to be miserable. I push people away who try to help.

When you’ve been abused, it’s really hard to trust people. And when no one cared about your wellbeing as a child, why on earth would anyone care about you now that you’re an adult? And maybe I don’t deserve for people to care. Maybe I don’t feel like I am good enough to have people love me or care about me. But I’m trying.

It’s a battle every single day, but if I give up, then they win.  I can’t let that happen. And if I give up, who will tell my story? Who will help the kids who are falling through the cracks of the system? 

I believe I have my story so that I can help others, and I can’t help anyone if I give up.

  

Hope appears in the distance

Childhood stolen

Innocence lost

Your selfish needs met

At any cost

Nightmares begin

Afraid to fall asleep

No one can know

The secrets I keep

Broken and torn

Shattered into pieces

He’s the monster under the bed

The nightmare never ceases

Cutting and starving

Trying to disappear

No one comes to help me

Why am I even here?

The silent screams for help

The tears I’m not allowed to cry

People know and remain silent

I just want to die

Resurrection of my soul

My story finally spoken

No longer wishing to die

No longer feeling broken

-Becca"

Becca recently earned her Masters Degree lives with her dog, Charlie, somewhere in the United States.  You can follow her blog, Broken Pieces:  My Journey To Freedom.

How To Say NO To People

Is it difficult to say "no" to people?

Do you often agree to do things you don’t want to do?  Feel like you give in too easily? 

I'm going to show you how to say "no" with more ease.  First, identify why it's so tough to set boundaries with others.  Some common reasons include:

You feel guilty – as if it’s wrong to choose yourself

You feel like a burden – as if it’s asking too much to choose what you want if someone else wants something different

You don't want to seem difficult – as if saying no makes you difficult and too much trouble

You don't want to upset anyone – as if you’re responsible for the feelings of others

You're afraid to hurt someone’s feelings – as if what another person wants, thinks or feels is more important than what you want, think or feel

You fear rejection – as if people won’t like you or want to be your friend if you disappoint them

You fear retaliation – as if people will reject/hurt/abandon you if you displease them

Which of these resonates with you?

What does this have to do with food & disordered eating?

If you say “yes” when you really mean “no,” what happens to your resentment towards the person making the request?  Or your anxiety about doing something you don't want to do?   When you don’t express emotions in words, you’re vulnerable to disordered eating in the following ways:

*Turning to food for comfort or distraction.  

*Bingeing and purging as a way of symbolically ridding yourself of your emotions.

*Restricting as a symbolic way to deny that you feel anything.

*Getting upset at yourself for your weight 

How do you avoid this?  By saying “no” when people ask you to do something you don’t want to do.  

Here's how to say "No":

Step One: acknowledge the other person’s request:  

“I know you really need or want me to _____”

Step Two: set the limit.  “...But that doesn't work for me."

Example:  Imagine a friend asks to borrow money. 

Step One is, "I understand you're in a tough place right now...."  

Step Two is, "...but I make is a rule not to lend money to friends."

That way it's not personal.  This is your rule, these are your boundaries, and you'll feel less rejecting.

Example:  Imagine you hate horror movies but your friend/spouse/partner wants to see the latest scary movie.  

Before you commit to a night of hiding behind your hands and having nightmares later, say, "I know you'd really love to see  that movie, but those movies give me nightmares and I don't enjoy them.  How about seeing something we'll both like?"

It gets easier with practice!

Step Three:  Take your own side

Don’t apologize, Don’t make excuses, Don’t justify or explain.  Do set limits.

Step Four:  Give yourself the right to have rights.

You have the right to set boundaries, the right to you’re your needs, wants, time and interests as important as those of others.  

When you are comfortable with those rights, you won’t need to comfort or distract yourself with thoughts of diet, weight, exercise or calories.  And that's how you make peace with food!

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New Year, New You?

New Year, New You?

It’s that time of year again, when people start making New Years resolutions.  Lots of people intend to make changes next year:  they're going to try to lose weight, go to the gym more often, eat healthier – stop bingeing, stop being bulimic, stop smoking.

Does this sound familiar?   Do you end up starting off strong and disciplined, but somewhere along the line your resolve fizzles and you're back to where you started?

Stop Trying So Hard.  Resolutions are often phrased in terms of “trying” to make changes.  I’m going to try to lose weight.  I’m going to try be healthier.  Keep in mind there is no trying; there is either doing or not doing.  If you’re trying (and failing) at your attempts to change, there is a reason.  Perhaps you’re afraid, not of failure, but of success.  Fear of success usually involves anxieties about expectations, impulsivity, or objectification.

Expectations: You may think that by changing your body, you’ll change your life. But, what if it doesn’t?  What if everything in your life stays exactly the same?  Maybe that’s too much to risk.

Impulsivity:  Maybe you’re afraid you’ll act in an impulsive manner if you are happy with yourself – leave your husband, cheat on your wife, take risks at work, that kind of thing.  If so, dealing with the wish to do those things – and most importantly, why - is a crucial step towards change. 

Objectification: What are your associations to intimacy?  What do you fear will happen if you’re perceived as more attractive to others?

A Different Kind of Resolution:  New Years Resolutions are often only about behavior.   But, what if they were about changing your relationship to yourself, instead of changing your behavior? 

Would you be kinder to yourself, listen to your needs and wants, and be curious (not critical!),

It’s Not About Willpower.  If you don’t address the underlying reasons for why you’re bingeing, restricting or purging, it is difficult to stop.   You must identify and process the underlying emotions and conflicts that are leading to the disordered eating, instead of addressing the behavior itself.

Focusing on food, weight and body image issues takes you away from what you’re feeling and thinking and serves to distract, numb or express what’s going on inside.

What emotions are you protecting yourself from feeling?  Anger? Sadness?  Fear?  Anxiety?

What are your conflicts?  In what areas of your life are you torn?  Job?  Family?  Relationships?

Disordered eating is a way of coping with painful and upsetting emotions and situations.  When you identify those underlying conflicts and find new ways to respond to yourself, you are much more likely to make peace with food for good.

https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/

Weigh Your Words (skip the scale)

Check out this episode!

When you're upset, do you tell yourself to look on the bright side?   If so, you may be making things worse instead of better.  

In this episode, Dr. Nina explains the ways you may be dismissing yourself and offers suggestions on how to respond differently to yourself and how to tolerate difficult emotions.

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