A Body Apology

I'm so excited to introduce today's guest blogger, Andrea Wachter, a psychotherapist, author and motivational speaker who will inspire you with her thoughtful and humorous views on body image, disordered eating and recovery.  

Take it away, Andrea!

A Body Apology

Imagine you had a friend, and 24 hours a day, this friend was working for you, doing all kinds of really important things. Imagine your friend was holding you up, helping you walk, breathe, laugh, sleep, read, see, dream, hear sounds, touch things, feel love, pump blood into your veins, digest food, and countless other miracles.

Imagine after all that help and non-stop work, your response was to criticize this friend, call them names, and tell them you don’t like them or even that you hate them. 

Can you imagine that?

Well this is what many people do to their bodies. 

Our bodies work constantly for us, 24/7; and thanks to the media injecting unhealthy, unrealistic messages into our minds, every single day, most of us are not only forgetting to thank and appreciate our bodies for all that they do, but walking around hating the amazing bodies we live in. Some kind of thanks that is!

I began hating my body when I was a teenager. This led me to a decades- long, unpaid career of dieting, overeating and obsessing on my poor, unappreciated body. 

Thankfully, after many years and tears, I found the help I needed. I learned over time, how to treat myself with kindness and compassion, and I learned how to eat real food in moderate amounts. And now I have the honor of helping others do the same.

I realized recently that while my body must be infinitely more content with the treatment it receives from me now, I felt like I owed it an apology for all the decades that was not the case. So, I wrote a Body Apology. I thought I would share it with you in the hopes that you might join me in one of your own.

Dear Body,

v I am sorry for ignoring your hunger signals for so many years.

v I am sorry for making you drink disgusting diet shakes and eat tasteless diet foods.

v I am sorry for stuffing you with excess food and then shaming you when you were only responding to the starvation and self-hate that I was inflicting on you.

v I am sorry for comparing you to other women I knew nothing about and thinking you were supposed to look like them.

v I am sorry I thought of you as an object to gain approval and attention, rather than the amazing miracle that you are. 

v I am sorry for hating every freckle, lump and bump on your skin.

v I am sorry for stuffing you into clothes that felt too tight and hating you when things no longer fit.

v I am sorry for making you wear high-heeled shoes that felt way too cramped and uncomfortable.

v I am sorry for criticizing you every time I saw your reflection in a mirror or a window.

v I am sorry for thinking you could not leave the house without wearing make-up.

v I am sorry for depriving you of rest when you were tired.

v I am sorry for pumping you with caffeine instead of listening to your natural rhythms.

v I am sorry you had to ingest dangerous substances because I wanted to fit in and look cool.

v I am sorry I made you exercise in ways you didn't even like.

v I am sorry I put you in situations you did not really want to be in.

v I am sorry I ignored your wise intuition and said “yes” when you clearly felt “no.”

v I am sorry I avoided your natural emotions and instead, turned to unhealthy behaviors and unkind thoughts.

v I am sorry I stayed silent when you nudged me to speak up, because I feared the disapproval and rejection of others.

v I am sorry I put countless cigarettes into your lungs because I didn't yet know how to handle stress or pauses in the day.

v I am sorry I spent so much time criticizing you that I forgot to say thank you and acknowledge your amazing senses, systems, limbs and organs.

v I am sorry I thought my value as a human being was entirely dependent on you.

v Oh, and I am sorry about those leg warmers and shoulder pads in the 80’s!

Andrea Wachter is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and co-author of Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: Breaking the “I Feel Fat” Spell as well as The Don’t Diet, Live-It Workbook. She is also author ofthe upcoming book, Getting Over Overeating for Teens. Andrea is an inspirational counselor, author and speaker who uses professional expertise, humor and personal recovery to help others. For more information on her books, blogs and other services, please visit www.innersolutions.net

Click here to check out Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: Breaking the “I Feel Fat” Spell by Andrea Wachter and Marsea Marcus.

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Thanks, Andrea Wachter, for such a thought-provoking post.
What is YOUR body apology?  Share now!

3 Ways To Boost Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is the opinion you have of yourself, the respect you hold for yourself, and your overall sense of worth.  

Here are three ways you can improve your self-esteem:

#1:  Accept the full range of your emotions!

"I'm really oversensitive and dramatic."  This comment attacks the "emotional/feeling self" and the underlying message is:  "I'm too much for anyone to handle" or "My feelings are a burden to others."

We live in a society that turns normal human reactions into something negative.   People are urged to be "strong" and not give in to their emotions.  

• Sad?  Take an anti-depressant for depression.
• Anxious?  There's a pill for that, too!
• Angry?  Go to an anger management class.

Sometimes, huge feelings become actually "feeling" huge.   Consider how intense issues are said to be "weighty" or "heavy."

If your self-esteem is based on being "strong" and not expressing feelings, challenge the notion that strength equals a lack of emotions.  

#2:  Accept that perfection is unattainable

Ever say something like, "I can't stand my gross, squishy stomach.  I'm so disgusting"? 

If your self-esteem is based on your "body self" the underlying message is:  "I have to be perfect to be lovable."

When you objectify yourself, your primary relationship is often to your own body, instead of to people.

If you're waiting to be "perfect" before you consider a romantic relationship, change jobs, go back to school or leave your marriage, you're defining perfection by a number on a scale.  

Often, that definition of "perfection" changes as you near your goal, the finish line moving farther out of reach, along with your willingness to take risks.   

When you accept imperfection, it's easier to start now!

#3:  Trust the positive views other people have of you!

Self-esteem has a direct impact on the quality of your relationships.  If you feel good about yourself, you'll trust that others also hold a positive view of you. 

Conversely, if you judge yourself, it's easier to believe that others are judging you.  When you're  overly self-critical, you're susceptible to accepting criticism from others and even staying in unhealthy relationships.   

When other people like you, accept, admire, respect and cherish you... believe them!

That means giving up an idealized view of perfection - in terms of your appearance, your internal emotions and conflicts, and your achievements. 

Giving yourself and the people you love the right to be "perfectly imperfect" will improve the closeness and quality of your relationships.

Self-acceptance refers to balancing different facets of yourself, holding onto the features you like about yourself, along with those you'd like to change.  

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https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/

Good-bye Sweet Scale...

Read Today's Guest Post by Laurie Weaver.

Good-bye Sweet Scale, I knew him well…

It’s day one of our separation, my former beloved scale and me. I’m surprised by how very much I miss our dysfunctional relationship and by how much I defined my life by trying to meet its irrational needs.

The closest thing I can compare the antsy, ‘don’t know what to do with myself’ feeling is to when I gave up smoking. Giving up smoking is HELL on WHEELS. I had to spend about 1000 months sitting in the bathtub eating Milk Duds because I never smoked in the bathtub and the sugar gave me a rush similar to the nicotine.

Lordy, I haven’t thought of that in years!

How can NOT stepping on a physical object give me withdrawal symptoms? This is NUTSO! Suppose I just hadn’t gotten around to stepping on it yet, I wouldn’t care. It’s the whole “quitting” thing. But what am I ACTUALLY quitting?

The scale is a symbol of my deeply entrenched diet/compulsive/binge cycle. It’s the arbitrator of when I do what actions in this cycle. It’s the Lord of my brain. The director of all. The Czar of potato chips or broccoli. How can I cope all on my own?

Hmm, even rereading these true feelings kind of gives me the willies.

Let me try logic to calm these feelings – doesn’t usually work with me, but let’s give it a go.

Self! Listen Up!

1.    Our body weighs whatever it weighs whether or not we are on the scale.

2.    The scale never changed one once of weight.

3.    We did that by our behaviors.

4.    We BASED our behaviors on the FEELINGS generated by the daily scale number

5.    How did THAT work out for us HMMM??

Hmm, logic is kind of bossy. I don’t think I respond well to bossy while in the painful throws of withdrawal. Let’s try empathy. More my style.

Self Honey, Come let me give you a hug!

1.    That scale has never been kind to us and we deserve kindness and respect.

2.    I love you self no matter what we weigh.

3.    It’s OK to be whatever size we are because we are MORE then just our body.

4.    I know it’s scary, but the scale can’t tell us how you feel inside.

5.    It’s going to be ok. We can trust our body to tell us what to eat.

Wow, I feel kind of better with the empathetic approach, but still suspicious and slightly pissed off. Like when your mom tells you that you are pretty when all of the kids call you names based on your looks, and when the therapist says how good you are when you are paying money for them to be “into your feelings”. Nice to hear, but I can’t quite let it in.

How about I try the rational “What the hell have we got to lose?” approach?

Self, let’s think about this together

Q. Self, what’s the Worse that can happen?

A. I can gain 100 pounds and not notice.

Q. On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being not a chance in hell, and 10 you can bet your life, how likely is that to happen?

A. Umm 2?

Q. How likely is it you will start to pay more attention to your inner feelings without a daily weigh-in?

A. Umm 10?

Q. And on a scale of 1-10 if this doesn’t work out for us, can we change our mind?

A. 10, but I would look like a failure and a fool if I changed my mind.

Q. What’s wrong with that?

A. I’d feel badly

Q. Why?

A. Because if I appear perfect and good and that all is well with me, people will finally accept me.

Q. Who has accepted you more? The scale or the brave companions who listen and participate in your show who know you are NOT perfect?

A. I guess we can toss the Milk Duds.

Addendum:

It’s now been over 3 months since I’ve set foot on a scale and I can tell from the fit of my clothing that my size has not changed. It’s a miracle! For the first time in over 50 years I have not let my mood nor my behavior be driven my that “Magic Number” of how gravity is reacting to my particular mass on any given day.

I still have days where I feel fat. These days usually occur if I ate salty foods the day before or if it’s a very hot day today, or when emotionally, I’m not feeling great about myself.  As I progress with learning to eat according to my own emotional and physical needs, I’m beginning to trust my body and myself.

It is strange to be driving without an external map, floating freely without an external compass and to be living an authentic life based on how I feel inside vs. what society or the latest diet theory is directing me to do or feel. At first I felt lost. Now I feel free. In the space that used to be reserved for endless calorie counting, or food equations or obsessive worry about what restaurant my friends might pick and could I eat there, or would I be a killjoy, I now have time to live.

I’m studying voice acting and singing lessons for the first time. I joined a writers’ social and writing exercise group and I actually attend. I say yes to social invitations and ask other people about their lives. I enjoy the food I choose to eat. I regret no food. I lash myself about eating no more.

My weight?

My physical body is still over 200 pounds since 208 was my last recorded number and my size has not changed.

My emotional weight?

Light as a feather.

Biography:

Laurie Weaver is the creator and host of the popular podcast and blog, Compulsive Overeating Diary which is based on her real and truthful ongoing journey to learn how to live a life free from the fear of food, where she enjoys food and where she builds authentic relationships vs. using compulsive eating behaviors to push people away.

Following a serious biking accident, Laurie retired young from a corporate job in technology and dove headfirst into learning what retirement had to offer. Laurie is also a formally trained educator. She’s created and presented many diverse educational seminars ranging from teaching techniques, to programming concepts for the non-programmer to how to discover your retirement identity.  Laurie’s known for her sense of humor and for making even the driest topic sizzle. Now she’s out to bring that fun and joie de vivre to retirees, brave companions and other adventure seekers.

http://compulsiveovereatingdiary.com

https://www.facebook.com/compulsiveovereatingdiary

Twitter @AdventureLaurie

How To Stop Feeling Self-Conscious

Are you self-conscious about being in public?  

Do you think people are judging your appearance?

We feel self-conscious when we think others are looking at us with critical eyes.   

Often the way we see ourselves directly impacts our expectations of how other people will see us.  

If you think you're overweight, unattractive, stupid, or bad in some way, it's easy to imagine that other people are thinking those same things about you.

The good news is that the more you develop a positive view of yourself and experience yourself as likeable, lovable, smart, interesting, kind and good, the more likely you are to imagine other people will like you, too.

One method to stop feeling self-conscious is to be an observer instead of feeling observed.   When you are focused on what you see and think, you’re less likely to feel under observation.

Questions:

What do you imagine other people are thinking about you?

Where do these ideas about yourself come from?

Are you as critical of other people as you are of yourself?

What do you see in other people if you’re not focused on appearance?

Practice having your eyes on the world, instead of feeling like an object of scrutiny by others.

When your eyes are focused outward, on what you think of other people and situations, and your attention on them, you are far less likely to have a sense of eyes on you.  

When that happens, you feel less self-conscious and more at ease.  And then you won't turn to (or from) food to cope.  That's how you make peace with food!

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https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/