How To Stop Feeling Self-Conscious

Are you self-conscious about being in public?  

Do you think people are judging your appearance?

We feel self-conscious when we think others are looking at us with critical eyes.   

Often the way we see ourselves directly impacts our expectations of how other people will see us.  

If you think you're overweight, unattractive, stupid, or bad in some way, it's easy to imagine that other people are thinking those same things about you.

The good news is that the more you develop a positive view of yourself and experience yourself as likeable, lovable, smart, interesting, kind and good, the more likely you are to imagine other people will like you, too.

One method to stop feeling self-conscious is to be an observer instead of feeling observed.   When you are focused on what you see and think, you’re less likely to feel under observation.

Questions:

What do you imagine other people are thinking about you?

Where do these ideas about yourself come from?

Are you as critical of other people as you are of yourself?

What do you see in other people if you’re not focused on appearance?

Practice having your eyes on the world, instead of feeling like an object of scrutiny by others.

When your eyes are focused outward, on what you think of other people and situations, and your attention on them, you are far less likely to have a sense of eyes on you.  

When that happens, you feel less self-conscious and more at ease.  And then you won't turn to (or from) food to cope.  That's how you make peace with food!

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https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/

3 Ways To Stop Overeating

Whatever is going on with food is NOT about willpower. Overeating is a “symptom” of the problem; it’s not true real problem – even though it feels like it’s “the” problem.

In this episode, Dr. Nina provides guidance and solutions on how to stop overeating in three specific problem situations.

Remember, you’re not a food addict, you don’t lack willpower, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Overeating is a way of coping with difficult and/or painful situations. It’s a way of helping yourself that ends up hurting more than it helps.

Overeating stops when you identify and process the underlying emotions and conflicts that cause problems, and when you relate to yourself in a new way. After all, when you can feel your feelings, you don’t need distraction from them. And that’s how you win the diet war.

Check out this episode!

Trying to lose weight? It's NOT About Willpower!

Think you're a food addict, a binge eater, a compulsive overeater?  You're NOT!  Dr. Nina gives viewers a new way to think about their struggle with food, weight and body image.

My story on Eating Disorders Online

From Battling A Disorder To Helping Others: Dr. Nina Savelle-Rocklin's Story

This story was originally published on Eating Disorders Online,  the internet's fastest-growing eating-disorders community. Their goal is to bring people together around the issues of eating disorders by providing concise, up-to-date information and a meeting place for those seeking pathways to recovery.  

Tue, July 02, 2013

This article was written exclusively for EatingDisordersOnline.com by Dr. Nina Savelle-Rocklin, Psy.D,. a psychoanalyst specializing in eating disorders. Dr. Nina writes an award-winning blog called Make Peace With Food and hosts a popular podcast, Win The Diet War, available on iTunes and on its official website.

“If my legs were thinner, I’d be perfect.”

I believed this to be true. Certain that skinnier legs would somehow make me a better person, I prayed for transformation with the same fervor that my friends wished for new Barbie dolls.

I was five years old.

A Battle with the Scale

This got worse as I grew older. Throughout adolescence and into college, my last thought at night was, “What did I eat today?” I fell asleep counting calories and fat grams. I calculated every bite and sip, wondering if I’d lose weight by the next morning or gain it. The scale was my most welcome friend and my biggest enemy.

If that scale registered an added pound, my day was ruined. A lost pound made me feel euphoric. When I hiked with friends, I focused on how many calories I was burning instead of how much fun I was having. I alternated severe restriction and deprivation with bingeing.

I was thin, but in a constant state of anxiety. Eventually I began therapy. I shared my boyfriend issues, my goals and dreams and fears. I was open with my therapist about every aspect of my life - except one.

I never told her what was going on with food.

In truth, I did not want to give up my relationship to food. Starving gave me a sense of strength and superiority. I felt secretly better than other people because I had the will to deny myself.

Eventually my willpower failed and I binged, then used laxatives, or vomited to get rid of the food I had consumed. My struggle was too shameful to admit to anyone, including my therapist, so I waged my war with food in private.

A Self-Revelation

Several months into therapy I noticed some changes. Restricting food no longer made me feel superior. It made me feel deprived.

I started to feel hungry - for food, for love, for life.

I became aware of feelings that I had denied. I learned to process those emotions, rather than deny them. I began using words to comfort myself, and talking to myself in a supportive way, instead of criticizing myself. By the time I left therapy, I no longer engaged in any eating disorder behavior. Not once did I reveal to my therapist what was going on with food.

Moving On

How was this possible?

My eating disorder was a symptom of the actual problem, my mean relationship with myself. In therapy, I learned to cope with difficult situations, instead of using food to distract from them. I learned to soothe myself with words instead of using ice cream or cookies.

Today, I am a psychoanalyst in the Los Angeles area, specializing in disordered eating. I started my blog Make Peace With Food and podcast Win The Diet War to bring information and inspiration to as many people as possible. I know from experience what it’s like to struggle with disordered eating but I also know that complete recovery is possible.

There is always hope.

https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/

Are You A Food Addict (or not)?

Do you consider yourself a food addict?  Do you feel helpless and powerless over sugar, white flour and processed foods?  Maybe you are a food addict.  Then again, maybe not.  

In this episode, Dr. Nina explores the controversial topic of food addiction.  Does it exist, or not?  

And does the label really matter? 

Check out this episode!

Five Ways You’re Sabotaging Your Diet (with words)

Listen now!!

How do you talk to yourself?  Do you say mean things that you’d never say to a friend, partner, spouse or child?  If so, it’s affecting how you feel – and how you eat.  In this episode, Dr. Nina describes five ways you're sabotaging your diet, all having to do with the way you talk to yourself.

Check out this episode!

Starving For Love?

What are you hungry for right now?

Disordered eating can be an expression of an internal conflict about needs.  We all have basic human needs for love, attention, comfort, and so forth.  If those needs are not met, or not consistently met, people can feel humiliated about having needs.  That’s when “needs” are seen as “neediness” and experienced as something negative, to be avoided.

People struggling with anorexia resolve this conflict by restricting food, and often relationships.  The unconscious thought is:  “I don’t need anything, not food and not friends.”

People dealing with binge eating resolve this conflict by attaching all their needs to food.  They unconsciously believe:  “People can’t be trusted to meet my needs consistently so I will have a relationship with food, which is always available, always consistent and fills up my internal emptiness.”

Those struggling with bulimia combine the two strategies by expressing their needs by binging, and then purging their perceived neediness.  Their unconscious thought:  “I need so much, so I will binge.  But I hate that I have needs, so I will purge!”

What do you need more of in your life?

In what areas of your life do you feel deprived?

What’s it like to think about your own needs and wants?


When you can identify, work through and meet your underlying needs, you won't need disordered eating to express those needs and wants, or to distract from them.

 

Don't "Should" On Yourself!

I'm on a mission to banish the word "should" from our vocabulary.  The word makes people feel bad about themselves and promotes shame, guilt and other difficult emotions.

Here's why:

Definition of "Should": To express obligation or duty; also used to express expectation, conditionality.

The way we speak to ourselves can directly influence the way we feel, which in turn can impact behavior. If you feel terrible about yourself, you might turn to (or from) food to comfort, soothe, or distract from the intolerable feeling.

When you relate to yourself in a kinder way, you will feel better and therefore need to turn to disordered eating as a way of coping.

How many times have you told yourself:

I should not do that.

I should not have eaten that.

I shouldn’t eat that.

I shouldn’t want that.

I should be better at this.

I should get a better job.

I should have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Even if you say, “I should be happy” it implies that you’re not as happy as you could be.

Often we speak to ourselves in second person, as if someone else is talking to us:

You shouldn't have said that.

You shouldn’t have eaten that.

You shouldn’t have done that.

You shouldn’t want that..

You should do better.

Whose voice does that sound like? Is it familiar?

The word “should” can cause us to direct anxiety, sadness, anger, and distress towards ourselves.Those feelings may be so powerful that we use disordered eating to cope.

Instead of “I/you should not do that” ask yourself: 

What do I want? What am I feeling? What’s going on with me right now?

Be interested in your thoughts/emotions rather than judgmental.

When you're self-critical, you feel bad.  When you respond to yourself with kindness and interest, when you soothe yourself with words, you're less likely to turn to or from food in order to comfort, numb or distract yourself from what's going on inside.

Graphic by Talia Ellis, www.ellistic.net

Gain Confidence & Lose Weight

Do you think you need to lose weight in order to feel better about yourself?  It's actually the other way around.  When you gain confidence, it's easier to lose weight.  Dr. Nina explains the various aspects of self-esteem and helps identify the blocks to your self-worth so that you can feel good about yourself.

Check out this episode!

Teaching Kids To Be Body Proud (Part Two)

Recently I was interviewed by 2hautechicks about kids, food, and disordered eating.  Here's Part Two of the interview.  Check out their blog, a forum for fashion savvy working moms!  

Teaching Our Kids to be Confident, No Matter What Size They Are! (Part Two)

Continuing our conversation with Dr. Nina ….

2hautechicks: If we think that our kids are suffering from an eating disorder, what should we say to them? What steps should we take to treat these disorders?

Dr. Nina: Communication is everything!  If you suspect your child is suffering from an eating disorder, or engaging in disordered behavior with food, talk to him or her about your concerns.

Don’t bring up their appearance or say anything that might feel shaming.  I suggest saying something along the lines of:

“I notice that your eating habits have changed, lately.  I’m worried about your health and your happiness.  Can you talk to me about what’s going on?”

“I’m concerned about you, because you’re not eating much, these days.”

Make sure the focus is on YOUR concern about your child’s well-being, rather than on their behavior with food.

Don’t try to deal with this issue yourself.  Seek professional help for your child and family from someone with expertise and experience in disordered eating.

Emphasize that therapy is about getting support and understanding.  If your child thinks of therapy as punishment, help her (or him) have a more positive attitude by gently pointing out the supportive nature of therapy.

2hautechicks: What are the most important things we can do or say in order to make our kids have a positive body image and not worry about their weight or size?

Dr. Nina: As parents we need to be very aware of the messages we send to their kids.  Comments about our own weight, or that of other people (even if it’s positive), can give the covert message that a person has to look a certain way to be acceptable.

We live in a very body-conscious society, especially here in Southern California.  It’s important to bolster the confidence of the whole person, and not focus so much on appearance.

We all have different aspects of ourselves – body, emotions, mind.  Make sure that you acknowledge all parts of your children.  Praise them for being kind people.  Acknowledge their efforts, not just their achievements (ie, good grades).  When children feel good about themselves, when they have a healthy sense of self-esteem, they will be less vulnerable to disordered eating.

2hautechicks: Thank you for all of the advice! We like to end our “Haute Spotlight” with a few fun questions.  What are your top five “must have” beauty products?

Dr. Nina:  #1 – Top of the list is a BB cream.  I’m a busy mom and time is of the essence, so a product that is a sunscreen and anti-ager in one is my idea of a dream product!!

#2 – Mascara!!  Fabulous lashes are… well, fabulous!  I love the Lancome mascaras, which always give me long, dark lashes.  And eyes are the windows of the soul 

#3 – Lipgloss.  Nars Dolce Vita.  It’s the best!

#4 – Kiss Press-On Nails.  I don’t have time to get manicures as much as I’d like (okay, I almost never have time to get a mani-pedi, darn!) and these are my secret weapon.

They give you perfect nails in about two minutes! #5 – A smile.  I think a smile and a good attitude makes everyone look better 

2hautechicks: If you could describe your work dress style in one word, what would it be? What one word would you use to describe your off-duty, non-work style?

Dr. Nina:  My work clothes are definitely stylish!   I like clothes that are a bit classic and a bit funky at the same time.   I’m not into labels and like to mix really great shoes (love my Louboutin booties) with fun outfits from Forever 21 or some tiny boutique in New York, where I find great clothes that are good for my professional style.

Off duty, I’m pretty eclectic.  On the weekends I usually wear skinny jeans with a cute top of some kind and fabulous shoes or boots.   I think shoes and bags make almost every outfit go from fine to fabulous!

2hautechicks: Thanks for everything, Dr. Nina and we hope to talk to you soon!

Here's some information about the 2hautechicks in their own words:

Two Women Who Wear Many (Fabulous) Hats

I’d like to pretend that the idea for this blog came about in a flash of inspiration, an “ah-ha” moment.  Really, this blog was born after one of our countless conversations about the Kardashians, or our latest fashion obsession, or our latest work challenge, or our general complaints about being sleep deprived from chasing after our kids.  We realized that we could be the voice for 30-something women who juggle careers, kids, husbands and homes… all while looking fabulous.  Think of us as the Generation X answer to the Generation Y chicks on “Girls.”  We are older (just a tad), wiser (infinitely so) and much more fashion forward (thank God!).

We met during our first year at UCLA law school.  Three years of law school, more years at law firms than we care to admit, countless glasses of wine, many shopping excursions, two weddings and three kids later … here we are!  We think (and hope) that women of all ages will read our blog and find a shared experience, a forum for discussing the things that are most important to women.  We promise to write with brutal honesty, we can’t promise not to over share (!), and we hope you will share in our laughter – and our tears – as we embark on this adventure together.

Check them out at www.2hautechickss.com

Take a deep breath!

WHAT IS YOUR OXYGEN?

Have you taken a plane lately? Flight attendants always tell passengers, “Parents, if you are traveling with your children and the oxygen masks drop, place a mask over yourself first, before attending to your children.”  

If you give your oxygen away, you’re of no use to others (and you are likely to suffocate).  This can be understood as a metaphor about meeting your own needs, versus taking care of others.  

When you are deprived of basic emotional needs, such as love, connection, understanding and comfort, you may turn to food to symbolically meet those needs.  Alternately, you may turn away from food as a way of expressing how deprived you feel.

What is your “oxygen?”

What are you depriving yourself of (but giving away to others)?

What do you need more of in your life?

How do you make yourself available to others?

Do you let others take care of you?  If so, what does that stir up in you?   If not, what stops you?

When you were growing up, what were you taught about self-sacrifice?  (ie, was it noble?)

What is the difference between being selfish and practicing self-care?

Comments and questions are welcome.  Please share on Facebook and/or Twitter so more people can benefit from the information on this blog.

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Legal Disclaimer:  The content on this site is for educational and informational purposes only.  It is not intended as psychotherapy or as a substitute for psychotherapy advice, diagnosis or treatment.