Think People Are Judging You? Here's What To Do...

When you walk into a room filled with strangers, what are your initial thoughts?

Do you think the best?   All these people are interested in me and can't wait to meet me!

Or the worst?   Everyone thinks I'm fat... boring... stupid.

Sometimes these judgmental thoughts are automatic, as in the following examples:

• Alyssa sat on the couch in my office, telling me about her weekend "stay-cation" of watching movies at home.   As I listened,  she suddenly stopped talking and sighed, saying, "You're right, I should have done some work this weekend.  I can't believe how lazy I am."
•  Corinne wept in frustration as she described a recent problem at work.  She blew her nose and shook her head, apologetically.  "You probably think I'm such a crybaby."
• My friend Bettina and I had dinner recently, and she ordered dessert.  She gave me a sheepish look.  "I know what you're thinking.  I have no business eating tiramisu.

They thought they knew what I was thinking.   They were wrong!

Each of these people  projected her own critical thoughts about themselves onto me.   Why?  

Alyssa's father was a workaholic and accused her of being a slacker.  She thought I was viewing her through her father's eyes. 

Corinne grew up in a family that did not tolerate emotions or tears, which were viewed as signs of weakness.  She imagined that I was viewing her tears contemptuously. 

Bettina's mother constantly monitored her weight, and Bettina thought I was doing so, too.

Those fears can make you want to isolate from other people, leaving you vulnerable to using food in any one of the following ways:   to ofill an emptiness, to be a friend, for comfort, numbness, and escape.  

Here's some "food for thought" to consider:

What do you think others are thinking about you?   Are they critical?  Kind?  Indifferent?  Angry?

Who viewed you that way in the past?   How are those thoughts familiar?

What is another way to view yourself and the situation?  What would you say to someone else in your position?   

 Here's what I was ACTUALLY thinking, by the way, about Alyssa, Corinne and Bettina:

It's important to relax over the weekend and recharge your batteries.

It's healthy to cry if you're upset.

It's okay to eat dessert, or anything, in moderation

Don't be a mind reader! ('cause you're probably not really psychic!)

When you think the worst, you feel terrible, and may eat to cope.  

When you believe others are interested in you, you feel less anxious/upset/guarded and are therefore less likely to turn to food.

That's how you make peace with food!

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https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/

Out of control?

FEELING OUT OF CONTROL?

“I was totally out of control with ice cream last week.”

“I didn’t eat anything all day and felt completely in control.”

“I hate getting mad because I feel so out of control.”

If you are struggling with disordered eating, the very thing you are trying to control (food, weight, and so forth) is actually controlling you.

Often, controlling food is a response to feelings of powerlessness in other areas of your life.   It’s easier to focus on your intake of food or your weight than to deal with an unpredictable boss, teacher, significant other or friend.  The wish to manage a person or situation morphs into a wish to control your food.  You can’t control a person but you can ostensibly control yourself, turning a relational struggle into an internal conflict.

Control is also a way of protecting yourself from feelings of vulnerability. Being vulnerable is often experienced as being unprotected from potential (or probable) emotional pain.   Taking control feels active and is a solution to the passivity of vulnerability.

Conflicts with food may symbolize conflicts about wanting or needing “more” in life.  Controlling your portions can be a way of denying your needs and wants for more.  Bingeing and purging may be a way of expressing your conflict over a wish for more.

Food for thought:

What parts of your life make you feel powerless?  Powerful?

Who is (or was) the most controlling person in your life?

What do you associate with weakness?

What are you afraid will happen if you lose control of your emotions?

Have you ever “lost it” emotionally?  What were the consequences? 

What are your fears about opening up to other people?

Where did you learn to be guarded?

What do you want more of in your life?

Comments and questions are welcome.  Please share on Facebook and/or Twitter so more people can benefit from the information on this blog.

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Legal Disclaimer:  The content on this site is for educational and informational purposes only.  It is not intended as psychotherapy or as a substitute for psychotherapy advice, diagnosis or treatment.

Are You A Mindreader?

ARE YOU A MIND READER?

When you walk into a room filled with strangers, what are your initial thoughts?

Do you think the best?  “These people are interested in me and can’t wait to meet me!

Or the worst?  “These people think I’m fat… boring… stupid..."

Believing other people are thinking the worse of you can be subtle, as in the following examples:

• Arturo sat on the couch in my office, telling me about his weekend.  He’d seen a couple of movies and spent time with his girlfriend.   I nodded, listening.  He sighed.  "You're right, I should have done some work this weekend.  I can’t believe how lazy I am."
  
  
•  Corinne wept in frustration as she described a recent problem at work.  She blew her nose and shook her head, apologetically.  "You probably think I'm such a crybaby."
  
  
• My friend Kellie and I had dinner recently, and she ordered dessert.  She gave me a sheepish look.  "I know what you're thinking.  I have no business eating tiramisu."

Each person in these examples projected his or her own critical thoughts about themselves, into me, and then felt guilty or ashamed.  

Arturo’s father always accused him of being a slacker, and he had internalized that view of himself.  He thought I was viewing him through his father’s eyes. 

Corinne grew up in a family that did not tolerate emotions or tears, which were viewed as signs of weakness.  She imagined that I was viewing her tears contemptuously. 

Kellie’s mother constantly monitored her weight, and Kellie thought I was doing so, too.

Questions:

What do you think others are thinking about you?   Are they critical?  Kind?  Indifferent?  Angry?

Who viewed you that way in the past?   How have you identified with them?

What is another way to view yourself and the situation?  What would you say to someone else in your position?    

“Arturo, it’s important to relax over the weekend and recharge your batteries.  That's practicing self-care, not slacking” 

“Corinne, it’s healthy to cry if you’re upset.  Feelings are a reaction to a situation, not a reflection of your character.” 

“Kellie, it’s okay to eat dessert, or anything, in moderation.”

Thoughts and beliefs lead to emotions, which influence behavior.  When you think the worst, you feel terrible, and may turn to an eating disorder to cope.  

When you believe others are interested in you, rather than critical of you, you feel less anxious/upset/guarded and are less likely to turn to disordered eating.

Comments and questions are welcome.  Please share on Facebook and/or Twitter so more people can benefit from the information on this blog.

"Like" me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter

Legal Disclaimer:  The content on this site is for educational and informational purposes only.  It is not intended as psychotherapy or as a substitute for psychotherapy advice, diagnosis or treatment.