Baby, Baby

BABY YOURSELF!

Ever notice how attentive new mothers are to their babies?

Recently my friend Heather came over with her new daughter.   When baby began to cry, Heather tried to figure out what was wrong.  Was the baby tired?  Hungry?  In need of a diaper change?  Did she just need to be held?

The baby was crying because she needed comfort.  As I watched Heather tend to her child, I reflected how nice it would be if people treated themselves with the same amount of interest and concern that they show for babies.    Those who struggle with disordered eating often are hostile to their most basic needs, whether for food, sleep, love, connection, or comfort.

Some mothers use food to meet every need.  If the baby cries, she may be tired, hungry, wet or just cranky, but the response is the same: she gets fed.

Imagine a baby's perspective. You’re tired and need a nap, so you cry.  Mom comes over right away, but instead of putting you down for a soothing rest, she provides a bottle.  You learn that your need for rest will be resolved with food.  You may even start to confuse the need for rest with hunger.  If this happens repeatedly, you may even start feeling hungry when you’re tired.

Do you recognize and meet your needs for soothing, for connection, rest, and so forth?  Or are you hostile to those needs, angry at "giving in" to hunger or using food to comfort and distract from difficult, upsetting feelings?

How were you comforted as a child?  What was helpful?  What was missing?

What can you do differently to "baby" yourself?  Recognizing and validating your needs is an important first step.

What do you need more of in your life?  Connection?  Recognition?  Love?  Time?  Rest?

Your needs and wants require validation and attention, not  condemnation.

Baby yourself, today and every day!

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https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/ 

Starving For Love?

What are you hungry for right now?

Disordered eating can be an expression of an internal conflict about needs.  We all have basic human needs for love, attention, comfort, and so forth.  If those needs are not met, or not consistently met, people can feel humiliated about having needs.  That’s when “needs” are seen as “neediness” and experienced as something negative, to be avoided.

People struggling with anorexia resolve this conflict by restricting food, and often relationships.  The unconscious thought is:  “I don’t need anything, not food and not friends.”

People dealing with binge eating resolve this conflict by attaching all their needs to food.  They unconsciously believe:  “People can’t be trusted to meet my needs consistently so I will have a relationship with food, which is always available, always consistent and fills up my internal emptiness.”

Those struggling with bulimia combine the two strategies by expressing their needs by binging, and then purging their perceived neediness.  Their unconscious thought:  “I need so much, so I will binge.  But I hate that I have needs, so I will purge!”

What do you need more of in your life?

In what areas of your life do you feel deprived?

What’s it like to think about your own needs and wants?


When you can identify, work through and meet your underlying needs, you won't need disordered eating to express those needs and wants, or to distract from them.

 

Feelings Are All Right

                                                                                                                           
Recently Sloane (not her real name) arrived late. Before our session she had an appointment with a realtor, who got a flat tire and was over thirty minutes late - which in turn made her late for the session.    

“I’m so, so sorry,” she apologized. “I wouldn’t blame you if you were upset. It’s so rude and disrespectful for me to be this late.”

I wondered if she was upset at the realtor who kept her waiting.

“Not at all,” she shrugged. “It’s not his fault that he had a flat tire. I don’t have the right to be upset. I can’t be mad if there’s a good reason for what happened.”

Although she expected me to be upset that she was late, also for circumstances outside her control, she could not give herself the same right.

“You know what really upsets me? The bagel I ate for breakfast. Disgusting!”  She went on to criticize her weight, her lack of control and various other perceived deficiencies.

Sloane did not give herself the right to be angry that she’d been kept waiting, whatever the circumstances, and instead expressed that anger and frustration by finding fault with her body and life choices.

She denied her anger, and then took it out on herself.

Feelings are not rational.  Emotions are outside the purview of logic.   If you deny and dismiss your feelings towards other people, it’s likely that you will turn on yourself in one of the following ways: 

·      Eating to express the feelings via the action of eating (ie, expressing anger by eating something crunchy like chips, an apple, pretzels).

·      Using food for comfort (ie, eating ice cream, cookies, soothing food).

·      Redirecting your feelings by attacking your body (as in the example above).

Here are some other ways people dismiss or deny their feelings:

·      “I’m mad at the situation, not the person”

·      “I shouldn’t feel that way. “

·      “It’s wrong to be angry” or “It’s not nice to be upset”

·      “I don’t want to be an angry (depressed/anxious/) person.”

·      “So what if that bothered me?  Other people have it a lot worse!”

Do any of these statements sound familiar?  If so, give yourself the right to feel what you feel.

Feelings aren’t a reflection of your character or personality.  They are reactions to situations.

Your feelings need your attention, not your condemnation!

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Food For Thought

Disordered eating is not actually "about" food.  Whatever is going on with food, whether you're turning to it or from it, the behavior is a symptom of a deeper problem, conflict or emotion - it isn't "the" problem (but it sure feels like it).  

That said, disordered eating involves food.  Here's some food for thought to get you thinking about what part food plays in your relationship to yourself:

To me, food represents… 

(i.e., food represents love and comfort)

Eating (or restricting food) has been a way for me to…

(i.e., eating has been a way for me to escape painful emotions)

(i.e., restricting food has been a way for me to feel strong and powerful)

All my life I’ve used food as…

(i.e., I’ve used food as a way to numb/comfort/attack/punish myself)

The feelings I use food to bury are…

(mad, sad, fearful, anxious, guilty, etc.)

Food helps me avoid…

(i.e., food helps me avoid disappointment in my life or in other people)

Sometimes I’m afraid to eat because…

(i.e., I’m afraid to eat because I don’t want to give up the sense of power I get from restricting…. I’m afraid I won’t stop eating… I don’t want to need anything, including food)

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Legal Disclaimer:  The content on this site is for educational and informational purposes only.  It is not intended as psychotherapy or as a substitute for psychotherapy advice, diagnosis or treatment.