Having A Plan Of Recovery

                                                              

Eating disorders do not discriminate.  Men, women, boys, and girls of all ages and ethnicities have eating disorders.  

I'm so pleased to introduce this guest essay from writer Patrick O'Neil, who shares his experience of struggle and hope.  

Here is his story:

"Recently I found myself backstage at a show.  I'm not really into shows anymore, especially not large ones.  I used to work in the music industry and I have attended more than my fair share of loud rock and roll concerts.

But last week when my friend invited me and I tried to make an excuse not to attend, she countered with, “come on, it’ll be fun.” And even though I knew that it wasn’t going to be fun, I somehow let her talk me into it. It’s not just that I don’t really go see live music anymore, it’s also that I’m not the social type. I don’t really enjoy standing around making small talk in a room full of people.

And yes, my friend is here, and so are her friends, and friends of friends, but it still feels awkward. 




And now here I am stuck in the corner a of a crowded dressing-room, surrounded by people drinking a ton of alcohol, as some wannabe Hollywood scriptwriter that I have just been introduced to, yammers away about herself. Feeling trapped and disingenuous I try to nod my head in response at the appropriate moments, yet all the while wishing I were anywhere else but here.




These types of situations are why alcohol was invented. And years ago if I was stuck at such an event I would have headed straight to the booze and after a few quick shots, none of this would have mattered. Only I no longer have that card to play. I used up my “getting loaded” allotment a long time ago. Besides alcohol just wasn’t doing it for me, I needed something much stronger. I needed to feel the warm rush of heroin, and only then was I comfortable enough to deal with life and all the people in it.

Yet, the same old story prevailed, my addiction took over and what had once helped me cope was now ruling me. I went from being a musician/artist to junkie/criminal, and then my addict career abruptly ended when I was arrested and incarcerated.  I make some lame excuse to free myself from being corralled by the wannabe scriptwriter and slowly back away.

But when I turn around I’m face to face with a table full of junk food. Band riders always call for snacks, and this one is no exception. There are bowls of chips, cold cuts, pizza and the customary cookies and candy. And herein lies my other addictive behavior—eating. 




Years before I ever discovered drugs or alcohol I learned to abuse food as a way to suppress my feelings. My parents were more involved in their lives than they were in mine and I was left alone a lot. This led to many hours spent in front of the TV while shoving copious amounts of food into my mouth in an early attempt to lessen the pain of abandonment. Yet something about overeating triggered a self-loathing that was years ahead of my then adolescent self, and I soon found myself purging the junk food I was eating.

This led to a learned behavior that I didn’t even realize others suffered from. It was something that I thought I had invented. Only my binge eating and purging faded away when I found that drugs and alcohol worked a lot better. Yet now here I was an adult in his fifties with fourteen years clean off drugs and suddenly I’m dealing with bulimia all over again.


It was quite a shock when my “dormant” eating disorder returned. I had switched careers and moved to a different city with the idea of reinventing myself. Although I had no connections and little in the way of support, I had high hopes and many expectations that I would be able to piece it all together. Luckily things did come together, but not without a lot of stress. Plus I was attempting to achieve greater goals in my life than I had ever tried before. 

And with this all came an anxiety that I was ill prepared for. I experienced panic attacks for the first time in my life, and then, seeking that old familiar solace, I started abusing food. Segue to four years later and I was purging on a daily basis, only with years of recovery from drugs and alcohol under my belt I figured I should be more evolved than that, which led to even more guilt and shame, and instead of seeking help I pretended it just wasn't there. But my teeth and gums were suffering, I was not losing weight, I was gaining, I was getting more and more depressed and I constantly felt that I was living a lie.


Eventually I was so stressed out that I told my Narcotics Anonymous sponsor. He has worked with me for years and even though this wasn’t about drugs, it was about my addictive behaviors. Surprisingly, well at least to me it was, my sponsor totally understood, in fact he himself has issues around overeating.  Yet when he pointed out that the first step of NA states: “We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction; that our lives had become unmanageable.” I realized just how powerless and unmanageable my life had once again become.

But this also gave me hope. I have fourteen years clean off drugs and alcohol and I have kept clean by attending meetings, working the 12 steps, and maintaining a rigorous involvement in the program. My situation had originally seemed so hopeless, yet here I was years later still off drugs. I could do this with my eating disorder.

A week ago I went to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. It had been years since I’d attended one, and unlike that first time when I was new to the idea of recovery, and not quite able to grasp the concept that it could also help me with my bulimia, this time I felt totally at home.

Instead of just being a silent observer I introduced myself and shared my struggle. I was given a newcomer packet and phone numbers. And I walked out of there with a renewed sense of hope. I have yet to implement an OA plan of recovery, but I am taking it one day at a time, and feel like I am finally in the solution.

I survey the food table and spot a platter of crudités, arranged around a bowl of gloppy blue cheese dip. I fill a small plate with broccoli florets, celery stalks, and baby carrots and slowly start eating them. Having something healthy to munch on takes my mind off the junk food, which lessens the cravings, and I am able to not indulge in any of the other snacks that I know will trigger another episode of purging. 

A quick glance across the room and I see that the wannabe scriptwriter has captured another victim, and the crowd by the liquor has grown considerably. The show is now over and the backstage area has become incredibly even more crowded. I casually make my way towards the exit and walk outside. The cool air hits me and I toss the empty paper plate into the trashcan. 

I have another day of not eating badly or purging, and I know I can do this."

Patrick O’Neil is a nonfiction writer from Hollywood, California. His work has appeared in numerous publications, including: Juxtapoz magazine, Salon.com, The Weeklings, Razorcake, Sensitive Skin, Fourteen Hills, and Word Riot. He has been nominated twice for Best of the Net, and is a regular contributor to the recovery website AfterPartyMagazine. Patrick holds an MFA in Creative Writing from Antioch University Los Angeles and teaches at AULA’s inspiration2publication program. His upcoming online course: Food Is Not The Enemy: The Language Of Eating Disorders, will allow writers of all levels to address their eating disorders, fears, and negative self-images. 

Patrick’s debut memoir: Gun Needle Spoon, from Dzanc Books, will be available June 9, 2015 — an excerpted in part French translation, Hold-Up (13e Note Editions) was published in France in 2013. For more information please go to: www.patrick-oneil.com

Gun, Needle, Spoon is also available on Amazon: http://goo.gl/UK15Yf

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Dr. Nina on the Psychology Behind Eating Disorders

Hi everyone, I'm sharing a video I did in which I talk about:

*The reason people turn to food for comfort

*Guys and disordered eating

*The connection between food and mood

*Why I don't restrict my kids' Halloween candy.... and more!

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https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/

5 Mental Blocks To Weight Loss

Note:  this post is geared towards readers seeking to overcome binge eating, compulsive overeating and overeating. 

Recently a friend who’s been on and off every diet from cabbage soup to South Beach to Cookie to Paleo confided that she had gone off her most recent diet.  

Big time. 

These were actually her exact words:  “I went off my diet, big time.”

She ate pizza for dinner and to her, this was practically a crime.  “I can’t lose weight if I eat pizza,” she exclaimed.  “What’s wrong with me?”

The only thing wrong was her mindset.  Her conviction that pizza was bad set her up for feeling bad about herself, one of the five mental blocks to weight loss:

I was “bad” because I didn’t stick to my diet/I was “good” because I stuck to my diet

“Bread is bad.  I was bad because I ate bread.”

“Salad is good.  I was good today because I ate salad.”

What you eat may be good for you or bad for you, but it doesn’t reflect your character.  The trouble with this kind of good-bad thinking is that it ties your character, your likeability, lovability and sense of self to what you are eating. 

Eating salad doesn’t make you a good person.  It makes you a person who eats salad.  Being a healthy eater doesn’t imbue you with some special characteristic that makes you more likeable or lovable.

What determines your goodness is the way you treat others, your intention to do the right thing, to be thoughtful and kind. 

You are not a better person because you abstain from certain foods.  You’re not a bad person if you eat pizza.  This “good food/good me” mentality causes a lot of anguish.  If this resonates with you, then start challenging that good-back dichotomy!

"What if I change when I'm thin?"

Some years ago I treated a 13 year old girl who was over 100 pounds overweight.  I normally only see adults but I made an exception for her (rules are meant to be bent, right?).  I’ll never forget the day she poignantly expressed a fear that if she lost weight, she would somehow not be herself.  She said, “I don’t know who I’ll be if I lose this weight, but I don’t think I’ll be as huggable.” 

For this girl, losing weight meant losing herself and becoming someone else.   Her identity was bound up in her size.  If this sounds familiar, consider what makes you unique.  How can you lose those qualities by losing weight?

Conversely:

"When I lose weight, my life will be absolutely perfect.”

This is a common sentiment.  People often say, “When I lose weight I'll be confident, happy and everyone will love me.”

This is a compelling fantasy but it is indeed a fantasy.  You will not be a different person when you lose weight.  You will be you, only in a smaller, presumably healthier body.  Your essential personality will not change, and you cannot change who you are by changing your physical appearance. 

"I'll never be able to eat pizza/pasta/ice cream/etc."

Fear of deprivation – either actual deprivation or imagining future deprivation – inevitably leads to bingeing.   If you think you cannot eat a certain food for some unspecified or prolonged period of time, then you’re probably going to have as much of that food as possible.   It’s the anticipation of future deprivation that leads to overeating in the present.

if you allow yourself to have it, you can decide if you actually want it.  Or how much you want.  

“This is how it is always going to be.”

Catastrophic thinking, projecting the present into the future, creates a dismal feeling of hopelessness.   In turn, hopelessness registers as a painful, dark, and depressed feeling, which makes you vulnerable to using food to escape.

None of us has a crystal ball to predict the future.  All we have is the past and the present.  Practice being in the here and now, and you may feel better and more hopeful.  When you feel better, you’re less likely to use food to cope.

Which of these five mental blocks resonates with you?   When you challenge your thinking, you create new thoughts, which lead to feeling better.  When you feel better, you're less likely to use food to numb, distract or express painful and/or upsetting states.  

And that's how you win the diet war!

Dr. Nina

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https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/

Make Peace with Food

Do you have questions about problem eating?  Need clarification about food addiction or how willpower fits in (hint:  it doesn't)?

Maybe you want to help a friend or loved one and need some advice on what approach to take.  Or perhaps you’re struggling with food, weight and body image issues and need some information and guidance.

In this episode, Dr. Nina is interviewed by eHealth Radio Network and shares "food for thought" on all these topics.

Check out this episode!


https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/

How To Survive Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving (or, National Binge Day) can be difficult if you're struggling with food, weight and body image issues.  Dr. Nina provides some tips and strategies for how to survive Thanksgiving without losing control, or losing your mind!

The media celebrates Thanksgiving as the beginning of the holiday season.  Commercials and advertisements make it seem as if every family in the world is happy, loving, close (and Caucasian), gathering over a table loaded with turkey and all the trimmings, grateful for their wonderful lives. For many people, this scenario is a complete fantasy, not even close to reality.

Thanksgiving (sometimes known as “National Binge Day”) is also a time when people are expected to eat until they are in a stupor, and it’s even considered bad manners not to taste everything on the table. If you struggle with disordered eating, this can be extremely challenging.

SURVIVAL TIPS:

Be a social anthropologist.  When you’re watching and observing, you’re not a participant.  You’re not “in” it when you’ve got some distance.  That distance can be very illuminating. 

When you hear your mom or dad or grandparents criticize your sister or brother or cousin, you can see more clearly how you learned to criticize yourself. 

When you realize that your mother apologizes for every bite she eats, you’ll recognize how you learned to feel guilty for every bite you take.

Access your inner Oprah or Ellen or Barbara Walters. When you’re asking questions, you’re not defending yourself, or explaining or justifying anything.  Ask your family to talk about themselves; that’s probably something they love to do, and if they’re talking about themselves, they’re not criticizing, judging, and commenting about you.  Ask yourself questions, too:

*What is the most difficult part of Thanksgiving?  Food?  Family?  Lack of family?

*What do you like about the holiday season?

*What helps during this time?

*What doesn’t help?

*What are the emotional triggers?

Identify the emotional triggers.  If you think you’re triggered by food, maybe you’re actually being triggered by an emotional need. If you find yourself thinking about filling foods such as mashed potatoes or stuffing, perhaps you are lonely and seeking to fill an internal emptiness. 

If you are drawn to pumpkin pie and sweets, maybe you need more comfort/sweetness in your life. 

If you can’t get enough chips or pretzels, could be that you’re angry.

If you find yourself turning against food, it’s possible that you are denying your needs – not just for food, but your human need for connection, love, and friendship.

Be grateful:  Think of one thing you appreciate; whether it’s a person or a situation, hanging onto one good thing can shed light in the darkness and keep you going through the holiday season.

Check out this episode!