The Impact Of Social Praise by Candice Sand

Hey there, this is Dr. Nina writing to introduce you to my amazing guest blogger, singer-songwriter Candice Sand.  As a mom of two daughters, I've noticed that they are constantly complimented on their appearance.  I tell my girls, "It's nice to be beautiful, but what really matters is that you're smart, kind and thoughtful."

Friends with sons don't share my experience.  Their boys are told things like, "Good job, buddy."  "Way to throw the ball, big guy."  

Girls are praised for their appearance.  Boys are praised for their accomplishments.

How does this impact eating disorders?  Candice shares her thoughts about  how compliments and social praise influenced the development of her eating disorder.   She leaves us with some "food for thought" about the legacy and implications of seemingly-innocuous praise.

Take it away, Candice!


The Impact Of Social Praise
by Candice Sand

The first thing that crossed my mind when I was asked to be a guest writer for Dr. Nina’s blog was that in the many times I've discussed my eating disorder, in interviews, articles or in private conversations, the focus was usually around the process of recovery.

The circumstances that caused and continually fuelled my eating disorder were rarely brought up. Every individual’s triggers and motivations can differ greatly but in an effort to address something new, and which I believe is critically important, I've decided to share one of the conclusions I’ve drawn (after a lot of reflection with my former and trusted psychologist) in what I believe kept my eating disorder alive for 15 years.

I know now that it was all around me my entire life. Constant messages being delivered to me about what my body “should” look like. It wasn’t just media and magazines filling my head with images, although that was a solid foundation for my eating disorder to be built upon.

A major factor in developing and keeping my eating disorder thriving was consistent social reinforcement that I should strive to be thin.

This reinforcement came from the majority of people around me: everyone from classmates to a number of adults and role models in my life. Growing up I had a sneaking suspicion that the popular girls in school were popular because they were skinny. Fed up with being pudgy, somewhat friendless, and the target of weight related taunting I decided to test that theory by becoming bulimic during summer break when I was 12 years old.

I returned to school that fall 25 pounds lighter (and significantly taller thanks to a well-timed growth spurt) and when everyone suddenly wanted to be my friend my suspicion was proven true.

Skinny meant popular and popular girls had it all. All the friends, fun and attention from boys.

Skinny meant a better, easier life. Moving forward from this point, my memory is marked with certain moments when I received direct praise for my size, all the while I was essentially starving myself.

That same fall after I first became bulimic, a teacher stopped me in the hall to say “you really stretched out this summer, you look great!” Years later, while working a retail job during which I suffered through a brutal crash diet my district supervisor remarked on how tiny I was, and asserted “if you keep looking like that you can have anything you want in this world.”

Fast forward a few more years to a serving job I had when I first moved to Toronto. I was on my strictest diet, barely eating and working out six days a week. I was becoming dangerously underweight when one day my manager complimented me: “Have you lost weight? You look amazing!”

Each time the only thoughts I can remember having were “it’s working, keep going.” There are countless examples and much more that I could comment on. For instance, the way women learn they should want to be wanted by men and how that also feeds into the incessant striving for the body ideal.

I could talk about how I fell into commercial modelling and how I can say with complete honesty that the skinnier I was, the more jobs I booked. The truth is, all the while I knew I was hurting myself and that hiding my habits was a clear indication that what I was doing was harmful.

However at the same time, the skinnier I was the more social praise I received.

I’m not writing this to place blame or dodge responsibility for my choices and actions. I’m writing this to share what I honestly believed the world was telling me: that my size really did matter, and that I should want to be attractive and the only way to be attractive is to be skinny.

There is so much emphasis on how we look and it is so common that we rarely see how very dangerous and all consuming that focus can be. I hope I can bring some awareness to the impact that focus can have, and more importantly I hope for a day where in our everyday interactions with family, friends and even strangers, we can reach for something deeper than each others appearance to strike up conversations with or compliment each other on.

To read Candice’s true story of recovery, go to www.nedic.ca/CandiceSand

ABOUT CANDICE:   

Pop recording artist and songwriter Candice Sand is originally from Saskatchewan, Canada but is now based out of Toronto. Her music has been praised for it’s intriguing lyrics, infectious hooks, and her powerful vocal performance.

Candice’s most recent album (“Against Concrete Walls”) was co-written and produced by the Grammy nominated & Juno award winning production team Kuya Productions INC. The album also features guest performances by Juno award winning multi-platinum artists JRDN and Choclair.

In Sept 2017, she released her latest single “Closed Doors” which was written from Candice’s personal experience of overcoming an eating disorder she struggled with for most of her life.  The single also appears in the documentary series “Something’s Gotta Give”, which aims to raise awareness about eating disorders and promote recovery.  Candice is also interviewed in the documentary.

As she works in the studio on her new project, Candice stays active as a performer throughout Canada and the US. To date, she has completed 3 tours which took her across Canada and currently, she takes the stage for 100+ performances annually.  

Stay tuned and watch out for this girl... so much more to come!

Listen to “CLOSED DOORS” here:

YouTube: https://youtu.be/uupYga_dBlE

Spotify: http://spoti.fi/2jvL3ZC

Apple Music: http://apple.co/2wnSKSD

Soundcloud: http://bit.ly/2fogwZm

iTunes: http://apple.co/2f2LOI7

Connect with Candice:

www.CandiceSand.com

www.instagram.com/CandiceSand

www.facebook.com/CandiceSand

www.youtube.com/CandiceSand

www.twitter.com/CandiceSand

The TRUTH About Eating Disorders

Recently I had the opportunity to sit down with Alex Wehrley of Focus Magazine.  We had a conversation about what eating disorders are - and are not!  Check it out!!



Interested in the book?  Get it here>>>  Food For Thought

Why Positive Thinking Is Bad For Your Health

I'm going to let you in on a secret:

Positive thinking often makes you feel worse, not better.  When you feel bad, you're more likely to eat for comfort or distraction. That's how positive thinking can actually cause disordered eating to worsen.   

Here’s an example of a true story (based on my grandmother Bette's life): 

Just weeks after Bette's wedding to Roger, a drunk driver ran a red light and struck them in the crosswalk. Roger was killed instantly.  Bette’s spine was broken.  Doctors did not expect her to walk again. 

Bette proved them wrong.  She worked hard and walked out of the hospital on crutches.   During the next weeks, well-meaning friends urged her to stay positive. 

·      You’re lucky to be alive

·      Focus on your new life and don’t think about the past

·      Focus on the good and not the bad

·      Stay positive

A friend came over for coffee and exclaimed,  “How wonderful to see you up and around.  It’s a miracle!”

Bette ate a slice of coffee cake, then another.  Finally she put down her fork and burst into tears.  "It's no good," she wept.  “I can't stop thinking about Roger."

“Look on the bright side,” said her friend.  “It could have been worse.  We could have lost you, too.”

Her friend urged her to "stay positive."  

“I am positive,” Bette said.  “Positive that I miss my husband.”

What’s this got to do with your relationship to food? 

If you dismiss your true thoughts, emotions and reactions in favor of looking on the bright side, you are pushing away your truth.  If something bad happens, there may be a silver lining, but the bad thing still happened.

Forget trying to "stay positive" when things are tough

The only way to get past the challenges and losses of life is to deal with the bad stuff.   You can’t think it away, drop it, ignore it, or stuff it down.  

Yep, the only way to get rid of bad feelings is to feel, express and process them. 

Bette cried and raged and felt her grief.   That’s how she was able to finally get past the pain and say, “I miss Roger. And I’m glad to be alive and walking, literally.”

Think realistically (not positively)

“I gained 20 pounds.  But I shouldn't’t worry about such trivial things.  People are starving in Africa so I have no right to be upset.  I need to be more positive."

That's not helpful.  Instead, think along the lines of this:

“I gained 20 pounds.  I feel powerless and out of control.  It’s really painful and upsetting when my clothes are tighter.   I’m going to pay more attention to why I’m eating, to what’s eating “at” me, so that I can reverse this trend.  But in the meantime, it sure is challenging.   

Yes, people are starving in Africa but their pain does not minimize mine.”

Step One:  Acknowledge your experience

Step Two:  Validate your emotions

Step Three:  Comfort yourself with words 

When you acknowledge what you truly think and feel, even if it's painful or upsetting, you can deal with it and heal. But when you ignore it by "staying positive" it will continue to eat at you (yes, I used that expression purposefully).

Remember, you're not alone.  Together we will make peace with food!

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Want even more support on your journey?  I can help!  Imagine feeling FREE of food cravings and being at peace, all without dieting (yes, it is possible)!

Get FREE RESOURCES:  http://winthedietwar.com

https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/

Having A Plan Of Recovery

                                                              

Eating disorders do not discriminate.  Men, women, boys, and girls of all ages and ethnicities have eating disorders.  

I'm so pleased to introduce this guest essay from writer Patrick O'Neil, who shares his experience of struggle and hope.  

Here is his story:

"Recently I found myself backstage at a show.  I'm not really into shows anymore, especially not large ones.  I used to work in the music industry and I have attended more than my fair share of loud rock and roll concerts.

But last week when my friend invited me and I tried to make an excuse not to attend, she countered with, “come on, it’ll be fun.” And even though I knew that it wasn’t going to be fun, I somehow let her talk me into it. It’s not just that I don’t really go see live music anymore, it’s also that I’m not the social type. I don’t really enjoy standing around making small talk in a room full of people.

And yes, my friend is here, and so are her friends, and friends of friends, but it still feels awkward. 




And now here I am stuck in the corner a of a crowded dressing-room, surrounded by people drinking a ton of alcohol, as some wannabe Hollywood scriptwriter that I have just been introduced to, yammers away about herself. Feeling trapped and disingenuous I try to nod my head in response at the appropriate moments, yet all the while wishing I were anywhere else but here.




These types of situations are why alcohol was invented. And years ago if I was stuck at such an event I would have headed straight to the booze and after a few quick shots, none of this would have mattered. Only I no longer have that card to play. I used up my “getting loaded” allotment a long time ago. Besides alcohol just wasn’t doing it for me, I needed something much stronger. I needed to feel the warm rush of heroin, and only then was I comfortable enough to deal with life and all the people in it.

Yet, the same old story prevailed, my addiction took over and what had once helped me cope was now ruling me. I went from being a musician/artist to junkie/criminal, and then my addict career abruptly ended when I was arrested and incarcerated.  I make some lame excuse to free myself from being corralled by the wannabe scriptwriter and slowly back away.

But when I turn around I’m face to face with a table full of junk food. Band riders always call for snacks, and this one is no exception. There are bowls of chips, cold cuts, pizza and the customary cookies and candy. And herein lies my other addictive behavior—eating. 




Years before I ever discovered drugs or alcohol I learned to abuse food as a way to suppress my feelings. My parents were more involved in their lives than they were in mine and I was left alone a lot. This led to many hours spent in front of the TV while shoving copious amounts of food into my mouth in an early attempt to lessen the pain of abandonment. Yet something about overeating triggered a self-loathing that was years ahead of my then adolescent self, and I soon found myself purging the junk food I was eating.

This led to a learned behavior that I didn’t even realize others suffered from. It was something that I thought I had invented. Only my binge eating and purging faded away when I found that drugs and alcohol worked a lot better. Yet now here I was an adult in his fifties with fourteen years clean off drugs and suddenly I’m dealing with bulimia all over again.


It was quite a shock when my “dormant” eating disorder returned. I had switched careers and moved to a different city with the idea of reinventing myself. Although I had no connections and little in the way of support, I had high hopes and many expectations that I would be able to piece it all together. Luckily things did come together, but not without a lot of stress. Plus I was attempting to achieve greater goals in my life than I had ever tried before. 

And with this all came an anxiety that I was ill prepared for. I experienced panic attacks for the first time in my life, and then, seeking that old familiar solace, I started abusing food. Segue to four years later and I was purging on a daily basis, only with years of recovery from drugs and alcohol under my belt I figured I should be more evolved than that, which led to even more guilt and shame, and instead of seeking help I pretended it just wasn't there. But my teeth and gums were suffering, I was not losing weight, I was gaining, I was getting more and more depressed and I constantly felt that I was living a lie.


Eventually I was so stressed out that I told my Narcotics Anonymous sponsor. He has worked with me for years and even though this wasn’t about drugs, it was about my addictive behaviors. Surprisingly, well at least to me it was, my sponsor totally understood, in fact he himself has issues around overeating.  Yet when he pointed out that the first step of NA states: “We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction; that our lives had become unmanageable.” I realized just how powerless and unmanageable my life had once again become.

But this also gave me hope. I have fourteen years clean off drugs and alcohol and I have kept clean by attending meetings, working the 12 steps, and maintaining a rigorous involvement in the program. My situation had originally seemed so hopeless, yet here I was years later still off drugs. I could do this with my eating disorder.

A week ago I went to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. It had been years since I’d attended one, and unlike that first time when I was new to the idea of recovery, and not quite able to grasp the concept that it could also help me with my bulimia, this time I felt totally at home.

Instead of just being a silent observer I introduced myself and shared my struggle. I was given a newcomer packet and phone numbers. And I walked out of there with a renewed sense of hope. I have yet to implement an OA plan of recovery, but I am taking it one day at a time, and feel like I am finally in the solution.

I survey the food table and spot a platter of crudités, arranged around a bowl of gloppy blue cheese dip. I fill a small plate with broccoli florets, celery stalks, and baby carrots and slowly start eating them. Having something healthy to munch on takes my mind off the junk food, which lessens the cravings, and I am able to not indulge in any of the other snacks that I know will trigger another episode of purging. 

A quick glance across the room and I see that the wannabe scriptwriter has captured another victim, and the crowd by the liquor has grown considerably. The show is now over and the backstage area has become incredibly even more crowded. I casually make my way towards the exit and walk outside. The cool air hits me and I toss the empty paper plate into the trashcan. 

I have another day of not eating badly or purging, and I know I can do this."

Patrick O’Neil is a nonfiction writer from Hollywood, California. His work has appeared in numerous publications, including: Juxtapoz magazine, Salon.com, The Weeklings, Razorcake, Sensitive Skin, Fourteen Hills, and Word Riot. He has been nominated twice for Best of the Net, and is a regular contributor to the recovery website AfterPartyMagazine. Patrick holds an MFA in Creative Writing from Antioch University Los Angeles and teaches at AULA’s inspiration2publication program. His upcoming online course: Food Is Not The Enemy: The Language Of Eating Disorders, will allow writers of all levels to address their eating disorders, fears, and negative self-images. 

Patrick’s debut memoir: Gun Needle Spoon, from Dzanc Books, will be available June 9, 2015 — an excerpted in part French translation, Hold-Up (13e Note Editions) was published in France in 2013. For more information please go to: www.patrick-oneil.com

Gun, Needle, Spoon is also available on Amazon: http://goo.gl/UK15Yf

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How To Get Rid Of Feelings

Ever wish you could just be DONE with painful, difficult, upsetting emotions?

You can't eat them away, starve them away, purge them, let them go or ignore them.  There's only one way to get rid of feelings.  WATCH NOW to and find our how!

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https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/

How To Get Over A Mistake

When's the last time you made a mistake?  

Recently, to my dismay, I discovered a typo on the "thank you" pop-up on my mailing list opt-in.  Instead of "Welcome" it read "Wecome."  

Since thousands of people subscribed to the list (including many of you, dear readers) that meant THOUSANDS of people saw the error.

Eeeek.  
Cringe.  
Total mortification.

How could I have missed it?
What would people think?
Yes, I went to that worst place scenario, imagining people would be completely put off and might think less of me.

I confided my concerns to a friend.  She started to laugh.

"I'm so relieved," she said.  "You actually are human."

She went on to tell me that my error, although understandably upsetting, made me seem more accessible and fallible in her eyes, which from her perspective was a good thing.  And she reminded me that all those subscribers still... well, subscribed.

It's easy to lose perspective and feel as if a relatively minor mistake is huge.  In my case, I realized I had highlighted the typo and minimized the overall value I strive to bring to subscribers.

Worrying makes things worse.

Stop obsessing about what happened:  Worrying about a mistake can lead to negative self-talk and an expectation of perfectionism, both of which affect self-esteem.  When you feel bad about yourself, you're more likely to use disordered eating as an escape, for comfort, or as punishment.

Start learning from it:  Figuring out what you can do to prevent another error (double proof-readers for me!) is important.

I often reassure people that it's okay to mess up, screw up, forget or just plain fail.  This experience forced me to put my beliefs into action.

Food for thought:

What does it mean to make a mistake?


What do you feel when you've made an error?


What is your inner judge telling you?


What would you tell a friend in a similar situation?


How bad is it in the overall scheme of things?


The next time you make a mistake (which is part of life and therefore inevitable), keep this in mind:

You made a mistake.  You are not a mistake.

And then give your perfectly-imperfect self a break!

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https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/

This Year I Will...

New Year... New  You?

It’s that time of year again, when people start making New Years resolutions.  Lots of people intend to make changes next year:  they're going to try to lose weight, go to the gym more often, eat healthier – or they intend to stop self-defeating behavior such as bingeing, restricting, purging, and so forth.  

Does this sound familiar?   Do you end up starting off strong and disciplined, but somewhere along the line your resolve fizzles and you're back to where you started?

Here are three ways to do things differently this year:

Stop Trying So Hard.  Resolutions are often phrased in terms of “trying” to make changes.  I’m going to try to lose weight.  I’m going to try be healthier.  Keep in mind there is no trying; there is either doing or not doing.  If you’re trying (and failing) at your attempts to change, there is a reason.  Perhaps you’re afraid, not of failure, but of success.  Fear of success usually involves anxieties about expectations, impulsivity, and/or objectification.

Expectations: You may think that by changing your body, you’ll change your life. But, what if it doesn’t?  What if everything in your life stays exactly the same?  Maybe that’s too much to risk.

Impulsivity:  Maybe you’re afraid you’ll act in an impulsive manner if you are happy with yourself – leave your husband, cheat on your wife, take risks at work, that kind of thing.  If so, dealing with the wish to do those things – and most importantly, why - is a crucial step towards change. 

Objectification: What are your associations to intimacy?  What do you fear will happen if you’re perceived as more attractive to others?

A Different Kind of Resolution:  New Years Resolutions are often only about behavior.   But, what if they were about changing your relationship to yourself, instead of changing your behavior? 

Would you be kinder to yourself, listen to your needs and wants, and be curious (not critical!)?
Make a list of the ways you wish other people would be towards you, such as responsive, open, supportive, and kind.  Then, resolve to be that way towards yourself.

It’s Not About Willpower.  If you don’t address the underlying reasons for why you’re bingeing, restricting or purging, it is difficult to stop.   You must identify and process the underlying emotions and conflicts that are leading to the disordered eating, instead of addressing the behavior itself.

Focusing on food, weight and body image issues takes you away from what you’re feeling and thinking and serves to distract, numb or express what’s going on inside.

What emotions are you protecting yourself from feeling?  Anger? Sadness?  Fear?  Anxiety?

What are your conflicts?  In what areas of your life are you torn?  Job?  Family?  Relationships?

Disordered eating is a way of coping with painful and upsetting emotions and situations.  When you identify those underlying conflicts and find new ways to respond to yourself, you make peace with food.

https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/