Getting Over Overeating For Teens

I'm so pleased to welcome back psychotherapist Andrea Wachter, who is sharing excerpts from her latest book.  Although this book is geared towards teenagers, it can benefit people of any age!

The following excerpts are from Getting Over Overeating for Teens by Andrea Wachter, LMFT. They are reprinted with permission from New Harbinger Publications, Inc. copyright © 2016 For more details, click here: http://www.andreawachter.com/books/

If you’ve been struggling with overeating, you’re not alone. And the most important thing to know is that it is not your fault! We live in a culture that gives us some pretty crazy messages about food, fitness, and feelings. On top of that, most teens have lots of stress dealing with friends, family, and finals. (Well, homework too, but I was on such a roll with words that start with F I figured I’d go with finals!)

Most of us, including our parents, haven’t been taught how to deal with food, fitness, and feelings in really healthy ways. We all get taught the same mixed messages—but the good news is that we can actually delete our unhealthy habits and upgrade to healthier ones.

Let’s start out with a quick definition of overeating, and how it’s different from bingeing. Overeating is when you eat more than your body needs. Even people who have a totally healthy relationship with food will overeat occasionally. It becomes a problem only if they do it too often or if it has negative consequences.

Binge eating is when someone eats a large amount of food in a short amount of time. They usually eat fast and until they are stuffed and ashamed. And they usually eat over painful emotions and thoughts, rather than out of true physical hunger.

I started overeating (and dieting, sneak eating, bingeing, and struggling with my weight) when I was a teenager. It took me a lot of years and tears to find the right kind of help, but I finally did. And now I have the privilege of teaching others (including you) all the things that helped me get over overeating.

Even though overeating can feel pretty comforting while we’re doing it, it can definitely leave us feeling pretty lousy after we’re done. And no matter how good food tastes while it’s going down, if we’re eating more than our body needs and for reasons that have nothing to do with physical hunger, it’s going to have negative effects— physically, emotionally, mentally, and socially.

Overeating is definitely one way to stuff down painful feelings. The only problem is that when we stuff down our pain, we also stuff down our passion, happiness, and excitement. It’s like damming a river; you hold back all the water, not just some of it.

Getting over overeating means getting back some of the joy, excitement, and peace that might be missing in your life. It means finding healthier ways to get sweetness and comfort. It means learning to eat foods you really love, in amounts that satisfy your body’s needs, and finding new ways to satisfy the rest of your needs.

Don’t Believe Everything You Think!

Have you ever had the experience where one minute you’re going about your day feeling fine and the next minute you have a horrible thought? It’s probably not because something horrible happened. Well, maybe something happened, but usually it’s because a horrible thought popped into your mind.

We all have automatic thoughts that pop up in our minds, just like we have pop-up ads on our computer screens. It’s so easy to believe our thoughts. After all, they are our thoughts! They seem and feel so real, but the truth is, our thoughts aren’t always real, and they sure aren’t always helpful, kind, or true. The good news is that, just like we can close those unwanted pop-up ads on our computers with a simple click, we can learn to close the pop-ups in our minds.

Filling Up Without Feeling Down

It’s pretty easy in our fast-paced world to focus on feeding our bodies and feeding our minds. But if we want to get over overeating, we also have to feed the deeper parts of ourselves that can’t be seen, the parts of us that have nothing to do with the material world—our hearts and our souls. These are places that food won’t fill. If we overfeed our bodies, we might be full, but not truly fulfilled. If we feed only our minds, we might think and learn a lot, but we won’t be really satisfied. We all need to fill our spirits too, on a regular basis. When you truly feed your spirit, you feel better afterward. You feel truly filled up, and there are no negative or harmful consequences.

Andrea Wachter is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author of Getting Over Overeating for Teens. She is also co-author of Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: Breaking the “I Feel Fat” Spell and The Don’t Diet, Live-It Workbook. An inspirational counselor, author and speaker, Andrea uses professional expertise, humor and personal recovery to help others. For more information on her books, blogs and other services, please visit: www.andreawachter.com

Is it ALWAYS emotional eating?

Ever wonder something like THIS:

“If I’m overeating or bingeing, is it always about something emotional?  Can’t it just be about the food?”

First, it’s important to distinguish between and overeating and bingeing.

Overeating means, “eating to excess” and that’s different from bingeing.     There are reasons you may overeat that has nothing to do with feelings:

Many Americans overeat on Thanksgiving, which has to do with food, not feelings. 

If you don’t eat enough and you get to the point where you’re starving, you may not be able to stop once you start eating, and end up overeating.

Binge eating is different. 

Binge eating is a way of coping with something psychological through the physical action of eating.

Whatever that psychological piece is, is the root of the behavior.  It may be emotional, or it could be something else. 

I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept of emotional eating – which means you turn to food to avoid uncomfortable emotions.   But that’s only part of the story.

But it can also be…

A way of translating emotional pain to physical.

When emotional pain is too much to bear, painful feelings can be unconsciously converted into physical sensations.   

Linda’s Story

Shortly after Linda broke up with her boyfriend, she ordered a large pizza because that’s all she could think about.  Over the course of the next few hours she ate the entire pizza by herself. 

“I ate so much it hurt,” she reported.  “I was in so much pain I literally couldn’t move.”

Linda was more focused on her painfully full stomach than on the heartache she felt about the breakup.  By eating until she was in physical pain, she converted emotional hurt to physical hurt.

Also, she made herself very full, which symbolically filled the void she felt at the loss of the relationship.

Makes sense.  Now what?

If you find yourself in physical pain from eating, ask yourself what is hurting your feelings.

That needs to be your focus (tough to process, but practice makes progress).

When you heal your heart, you won’t feel the need to use food to cope.  When Linda grieved the end of her relationships, she no longer expressed the ache of loss of the wish for fulfillment through food.

And that's how she made peace with food (and you can, too!).

Food For Thought:

• What is hurting your feelings right now?
• How are you deprived?
• What are you conflicted about in your life?
• If you weren't thinking about food, weight and body image, what thoughts would occupy your mind?

When you identify and process what's weighing "on" you, you won't be as focused on what you weigh.  And that's how you make peace with food!

New Year, New YOU?

Are you making New Years resolutions this year? Something along the lines of:


 - Exercising more 

 - Eating more veggies 

 - Eating less sugar and junk food 

-       Stop bingeing

-        


Chances are, you’ve tried this before. You start off strong and disciplined, but your resolve fizzles. And then it's another hope-to-heartbreak year all over again. 

Here are some tips to make this year different: 


Stop Trying So Hard 


Resolutions are phrased in terms of “trying” to make changes. Do these sound familiar? 


 - I’m going to try to lose weight. 

 - I’m going to try to be healthier. 

-     I'll try to go to the gym every day. 

      


If you're a Star Wars fan, you know there is no trying; there is either doing or not doing (thank you, Yoda). 


If you’re trying (and failing) at your attempts to change, there is a reason, usually one of the following: 


Fear of Expectations: You hope that by changing your body, you’ll change your life. But what if everything in your life stays exactly the same? Maybe that’s too much to risk, so you unconsciously stop yourself from going all-in, because you're afraid of what WON'T happen when you lose weight. 


Fear of Impulsivity: Afraid you’ll act in an impulsive manner if you are happy with yourself – leave your husband, cheat on your wife, take risks at work, that kind of thing. If so, dealing with the wish to do those things – and most importantly, why - is a crucial step towards change. 


Fear of Objectification: What are your associations to intimacy? What do you fear will happen if you’re perceived as more attractive to others? 

Make A Different Kind of Resolution

New Years Resolutions are usually about behavior. What if they were about changing the way you relate to yourself? Resolve to be:


 - Kinder to yourself 

 - Listen to your needs 

 - Pay attention to your wants 

-       Be curious, not critical 

     


Make a list of the ways you wish other people would act towards you, such as responsive, open, supportive, and kind. Then, resolve to be that way towards yourself. 


Why? Because the way you treat yourself directly impacts what you eat. If you're critical and judgmental, you feel bad. If your main source of comfort is food, you're likely to eat just to get away from your own mean internal voice. 


Conversely, the nicer you are to yourself, the better you feel, and the less likely you are to eat for comfort or distraction! And that's how you make peace with food - for good!!

Dr. Nina

https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/

Why Positive Thinking Is Bad For Your Health

I'm going to let you in on a secret:

Positive thinking often makes you feel worse, not better.  When you feel bad, you're more likely to eat for comfort or distraction. That's how positive thinking can actually cause disordered eating to worsen.   

Here’s an example of a true story (based on my grandmother Bette's life): 

Just weeks after Bette's wedding to Roger, a drunk driver ran a red light and struck them in the crosswalk. Roger was killed instantly.  Bette’s spine was broken.  Doctors did not expect her to walk again. 

Bette proved them wrong.  She worked hard and walked out of the hospital on crutches.   During the next weeks, well-meaning friends urged her to stay positive. 

·      You’re lucky to be alive

·      Focus on your new life and don’t think about the past

·      Focus on the good and not the bad

·      Stay positive

A friend came over for coffee and exclaimed,  “How wonderful to see you up and around.  It’s a miracle!”

Bette ate a slice of coffee cake, then another.  Finally she put down her fork and burst into tears.  "It's no good," she wept.  “I can't stop thinking about Roger."

“Look on the bright side,” said her friend.  “It could have been worse.  We could have lost you, too.”

Her friend urged her to "stay positive."  

“I am positive,” Bette said.  “Positive that I miss my husband.”

What’s this got to do with your relationship to food? 

If you dismiss your true thoughts, emotions and reactions in favor of looking on the bright side, you are pushing away your truth.  If something bad happens, there may be a silver lining, but the bad thing still happened.

Forget trying to "stay positive" when things are tough

The only way to get past the challenges and losses of life is to deal with the bad stuff.   You can’t think it away, drop it, ignore it, or stuff it down.  

Yep, the only way to get rid of bad feelings is to feel, express and process them. 

Bette cried and raged and felt her grief.   That’s how she was able to finally get past the pain and say, “I miss Roger. And I’m glad to be alive and walking, literally.”

Think realistically (not positively)

“I gained 20 pounds.  But I shouldn't’t worry about such trivial things.  People are starving in Africa so I have no right to be upset.  I need to be more positive."

That's not helpful.  Instead, think along the lines of this:

“I gained 20 pounds.  I feel powerless and out of control.  It’s really painful and upsetting when my clothes are tighter.   I’m going to pay more attention to why I’m eating, to what’s eating “at” me, so that I can reverse this trend.  But in the meantime, it sure is challenging.   

Yes, people are starving in Africa but their pain does not minimize mine.”

Step One:  Acknowledge your experience

Step Two:  Validate your emotions

Step Three:  Comfort yourself with words 

When you acknowledge what you truly think and feel, even if it's painful or upsetting, you can deal with it and heal. But when you ignore it by "staying positive" it will continue to eat at you (yes, I used that expression purposefully).

Remember, you're not alone.  Together we will make peace with food!

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Want even more support on your journey?  I can help!  Imagine feeling FREE of food cravings and being at peace, all without dieting (yes, it is possible)!

Get FREE RESOURCES:  http://winthedietwar.com

https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/

If it's not one thing… it's your mother.

Mothers (and all parents) do the best they can, given their individual circumstances and temperaments. Despite their best efforts and good intentions, mothers may still adversely affect their kids. The way we are mothered impacts our relationship to ourselves, which in turn influences disordered eating.   When we are unable to “mother” ourselves, to be nurturing and supportive, we may turn to (or from) food as a way of coping with painful and upsetting situations.

The following are common types of mothers:

Intrusive:  (there's a reason the word "mother" is part of the word "smother"):  Mothers who read diaries, who demand to know what their kids are doing or thinking.  This kind of mothering is often identified with anorexia, which can be seen as a way of symbolically keeping OUT intrusive questions, or dealing with boundary violations.  

Mini Me Syndrome:  These are mothers who want their children to reflect them, to live up to their own expectations of who their kids should be, instead of being interested in their individuality.  This type of mother conveys the idea that something wrong if their daughters or sons don't share their mother's mind.

For instance, a young woman who wanted to learn how to play the drums was told by her mother, "Don't be ridiculous.  I like the piano, not drums."

Another mother told her daughter, "You can't vote Republican.  We're Democrats."

These mothers could not fathom the idea that their daughters had separate wishes, ideas and beliefs. Often the only way to assert yourself is by controlling the one area that your mother cannot directly influence:  your weight.   Whether you are restricting or bingeing, this may be a way of saying, "This is my life and my body.  You can't control MY body."

Indifferent:  There are many reasons why mothers are indifferent.  Depressed mothers are incapable of summoning the kind of energy necessary to be interested and invested in their children.  Mothers who were themselves raised by indifferent parents may also be indifferent.  Mothers who had intrusive parents might swing the pendulum too far the other way, giving their kids too much space and seeming indifferent.

If your mother did not show enough interest or curiosity, you may yearn for a level of connection and mothering that is unavailable.  That emptiness may be filled with food, to provide a temporary fulfillment.

If you felt deprived of nurturing, you may also express that deprivation by restricting.  Anorexia can be a silent way of communicating your emptiness and deprivation. 

If you have ambivalence about your wish for maternal care, you may fill up on food as a way of expressing your wish for loving fulfillment, but then purge it as a way of getting rid of the humiliation of longing.

Little Girl Mothers:  These mothers pull for you to take care of them.  They often share their problems, ask for your opinions, and elicit your concern and care about their well-being.  When you are mothering your mother, however, nobody is mothering you.  That leads to a deprivation that can be expressed with restriction, or resolved by bingeing and filling an internal emptiness.

Intrusive AND indifferent:  These mothers are overly invested in certain aspects of your life, and then neglect other areas of your life, often those that need the most attention.  This inconsistency can be very confusing and may lead someone to turn away from relationships (and often, from food) or towards bulimia, which replicates the experience of being pushed in upon and then deprived.

Nurturing:  mothers who consistently show an appropriate amount of curiosity and care about their child's emotional and physical well-being, who allow their kids to have their own identities.  Whatever kind of actual mother you had, the goal is to cultivate a nurturing response to yourself.

What kind of mothering did you experience?

How did it impact your relationship to yourself?

How do you relate to your friends?  Pets?

Do you treat yourself the way you were mothered?  

Do you treat other people the way you would like to have been mothered?

Keep in mind there are two mothers; the actual mom who raised us, and the mother that we internalize.  When you can find a way to nurture, accept and support yourself, you will be less likely to use food to cope with sadness, emptiness, frustration, loneliness, or any other painful or upsetting state.

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https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/