Being vs. Doing

We’re human beings, not human doings!

Our society values productivity and accomplishment. If you grow up in a family (and a culture) that is primarily or solely interested in what you're doing, accomplishing and achieving, you learn to value yourself by being productive; it becomes the basis of self-esteem. 

When others express interest only in your accomplishments, you learn to value yourself only for what you have achieved.  When others dismiss or devalue your feelings, you learn to do the same.  Feelings become frightening and a source of anxiety. Disordered eating is a way of coping with those feelings.  So is staying busy and focused on achievements.

Doing can serve as a distraction from your emotions.  It can take the form of:

*Working all the time

*Going online all the time

*Going to the gym

*Running errands

*Having the TV on all the time

*Going out and seeing friends all the time

*Thinking about what you need to do next/making lists

*Thinking about calories, fat grams, the number on the scale

Being puts you in touch with your emotions.   It looks like this:

*Being alone

*Staying aware of  thoughts and feelings

*Comforting and soothing yourself with words

*Relaxing

How do you keep busy?

How did you learn to use “doing” to escape “feeling”?

What happens if you are alone with yourself?

What are you afraid you might think?

What are you afraid you might feel?

When you can "be" with yourself and process any feelings or conflicts you might experience, you are less vulnerable to turning to (or from) food to distract yourself from those uncomfortable states.

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Me, Myself & I

ME, MYSELF & I

 

Do any of the following sentences sound familiar?

“The whole time I was eating those cookies, I was telling myself, ‘You’re disgusting, you’ve got no willpower, and you make me sick.’”

“I made myself run five extra miles.  I was like, ‘We can do it, we can make it.’”

“Sometimes I just can’t stand myself.”

Who is “I”?  Which part of you is “myself”?  What about  “me” or “we?”

How you speak to yourself reveals a lot about your relationship to different aspects of yourself.    Although each person’s internal dynamics are slightly different, there are usually three basic parts: the Self, the Critic, and the Soother/Supporter.

The “Self” refers to the part of you that has needs, wants, wishes, emotions and conflicts.  When you say, “I was feeling mad/sad/glad/afraid” that’s your “Self” talking.   

The “Critic” informs you of all your perceived transgressions.  It is relentlessly critical and able to find fault.  When you refer to yourself in the second person, it’s usually the critic talking.  

Does your internal critic remind you of anyone you know?  Who spoke to you in that way?

The “Soother/Supporter” is the part that can be calm, understanding, and supportive.   Often, that’s the part that can show up for other people, but not for you. 

How do you express support for others?   What if you spoke that way to yourself?

Ideally, when you have a need, wish, emotion or conflict, you respond with comforting or soothing words.  For many people who struggle with disordered eating, when the “I” expresses a need, wish, or emotion, the “critic” attacks. In the absence of a nurturing response to pain, you are more likely to turn to food for comfort, or distraction.  That in turn leads the critic to judge you (“How could you have eaten that?” or “You failed!”), and the cycle continues. 

When you respond to yourself in a soothing way, instead of criticizing or attacking yourself, you will be less likely to turn to (or from) food to deal with difficult emotions.

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Legal Disclaimer:  The content on this site is for educational and informational purposes only.  It is not intended as psychotherapy or as a substitute for psychotherapy advice, diagnosis or treatment.