Helplessness*
In the span of three months, Patti lost her father to
cancer and her grandmother to heart disease.
Shortly after the funerals, her brother launched a legal battle to take
over their father’s estate. Patti began
to binge and was completely out of control with food. She was helpless in the
face of death, and powerless to stop her brother from trying to take over the
estate. Her solution was to use anger and
productivity to distract herself from the intolerable state of helplessness.
Corinne’s insurance company made it difficult for her
to have access to her benefits. As a
result, she could not see the therapist of her choice, unless she paid out of
pocket. Her challenges to the insurance
company were unsuccessful and she felt powerless. Corinne began to restrict food, which was a
way of expressing her deprivation in terms of her therapist, and also a way of
coping with the helplessness she felt.
Helplessness
is a feeling that most people cannot bear to experience, either on its own or
because it intensifies other painful or upsetting feelings. Helplessness is defined as: 1) unable to help oneself 2) weak
or dependent
3)
deprived of strength or power 4) incapacitated. The state of helplessness is connected to
vulnerability and dependency, both of which can be extremely uncomfortable.
Anger,
productivity, withdrawal and/or denial are ways of distracting from the
intolerable state of helplessness.
Anger: Anger is an active emotion, whereas
helplessness is a passive emotion. Like
Patti, you may get angry at yourself for your weight, or be upset with yourself
for what you’re eating, or the amount, as a way of avoiding your sense of
helplessness.
Productivity: Being busy is
another way of turning passive to active.
Focusing on achievements, productivity, and being a slave-driver to
yourself are all strategies to distract from helplessness. Thinking about food, weight, and calories are
examples of focusing on “doing” rather than “feeling.”
Withdrawal: Withdrawal is
a way of denying helplessness. Anorexia is a withdrawal from food, from wants,
from needs, and usually from people.
Denial: If you tell yourself that what makes you feel
helpless “isn’t a big deal” you may be denying your true feelings in order to
minimize the reality of the situation. This is a way of dismissing your feelings.
How
do you feel helpless in your life?
If
you weren’t feeling helpless over food, what would you feel helpless about?
If
you weren’t focused on being powerful over food and hunger, what would you be
focused on?
If
you weren’t trying to control food, what would you be trying to control?
*My
appreciation & thanks go to Dr. Axel Hoffer and Dr. Dan Buie for their
inspiring paper “Helplessness and Our War Against Feeling It”
