Baby, Baby

BABY YOURSELF!

Ever notice how attentive new mothers are to their babies?

Recently my friend Heather came over with her new daughter.   When baby began to cry, Heather tried to figure out what was wrong.  Was the baby tired?  Hungry?  In need of a diaper change?  Did she just need to be held?

The baby was crying because she needed comfort.  As I watched Heather tend to her child, I reflected how nice it would be if people treated themselves with the same amount of interest and concern that they show for babies.    Those who struggle with disordered eating often are hostile to their most basic needs, whether for food, sleep, love, connection, or comfort.

Some mothers use food to meet every need.  If the baby cries, she may be tired, hungry, wet or just cranky, but the response is the same: she gets fed.

Imagine a baby's perspective. You’re tired and need a nap, so you cry.  Mom comes over right away, but instead of putting you down for a soothing rest, she provides a bottle.  You learn that your need for rest will be resolved with food.  You may even start to confuse the need for rest with hunger.  If this happens repeatedly, you may even start feeling hungry when you’re tired.

Do you recognize and meet your needs for soothing, for connection, rest, and so forth?  Or are you hostile to those needs, angry at "giving in" to hunger or using food to comfort and distract from difficult, upsetting feelings?

How were you comforted as a child?  What was helpful?  What was missing?

What can you do differently to "baby" yourself?  Recognizing and validating your needs is an important first step.

What do you need more of in your life?  Connection?  Recognition?  Love?  Time?  Rest?

Your needs and wants require validation and attention, not  condemnation.

Baby yourself, today and every day!

*          *          *

https://winthedietwar.com/kick-the-diet-habit-now/ 

Don't "Should" On Yourself!

I'm on a mission to banish the word "should" from our vocabulary.  The word makes people feel bad about themselves and promotes shame, guilt and other difficult emotions.

Here's why:

Definition of "Should": To express obligation or duty; also used to express expectation, conditionality.

The way we speak to ourselves can directly influence the way we feel, which in turn can impact behavior. If you feel terrible about yourself, you might turn to (or from) food to comfort, soothe, or distract from the intolerable feeling.

When you relate to yourself in a kinder way, you will feel better and therefore need to turn to disordered eating as a way of coping.

How many times have you told yourself:

I should not do that.

I should not have eaten that.

I shouldn’t eat that.

I shouldn’t want that.

I should be better at this.

I should get a better job.

I should have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Even if you say, “I should be happy” it implies that you’re not as happy as you could be.

Often we speak to ourselves in second person, as if someone else is talking to us:

You shouldn't have said that.

You shouldn’t have eaten that.

You shouldn’t have done that.

You shouldn’t want that..

You should do better.

Whose voice does that sound like? Is it familiar?

The word “should” can cause us to direct anxiety, sadness, anger, and distress towards ourselves.Those feelings may be so powerful that we use disordered eating to cope.

Instead of “I/you should not do that” ask yourself: 

What do I want? What am I feeling? What’s going on with me right now?

Be interested in your thoughts/emotions rather than judgmental.

When you're self-critical, you feel bad.  When you respond to yourself with kindness and interest, when you soothe yourself with words, you're less likely to turn to or from food in order to comfort, numb or distract yourself from what's going on inside.

Graphic by Talia Ellis, www.ellistic.net

Help for helplessness over food (and life)

Helplessness*

In the span of three months, Patti lost her father to cancer and her grandmother to heart disease.  Shortly after the funerals, her brother launched a legal battle to take over their father’s estate.  Patti began to binge and was completely out of control with food. She was helpless in the face of death, and powerless to stop her brother from trying to take over the estate.  Her solution was to use anger and productivity to distract herself from the intolerable state of helplessness. 

Corinne’s insurance company made it difficult for her to have access to her benefits.  As a result, she could not see the therapist of her choice, unless she paid out of pocket.  Her challenges to the insurance company were unsuccessful and she felt powerless.  Corinne began to restrict food, which was a way of expressing her deprivation in terms of her therapist, and also a way of coping with the helplessness she felt.

Helplessness is a feeling that most people cannot bear to experience, either on its own or because it intensifies other painful or upsetting feelings.  Helplessness is defined as:  1) unable to help oneself   2) weak or dependent

3) deprived of strength or power 4) incapacitated.   The state of helplessness is connected to vulnerability and dependency, both of which can be extremely uncomfortable.

Anger, productivity, withdrawal and/or denial are ways of distracting from the intolerable state of helplessness.

Anger:   Anger is an active emotion, whereas helplessness is a passive emotion.  Like Patti, you may get angry at yourself for your weight, or be upset with yourself for what you’re eating, or the amount, as a way of avoiding your sense of helplessness.

Productivity:  Being busy is another way of turning passive to active.  Focusing on achievements, productivity, and being a slave-driver to yourself are all strategies to distract from helplessness.   Thinking about food, weight, and calories are examples of focusing on “doing” rather than “feeling.”

Withdrawal:  Withdrawal is a way of denying helplessness. Anorexia is a withdrawal from food, from wants, from needs, and usually from people.

Denial:   If you tell yourself that what makes you feel helpless “isn’t a big deal” you may be denying your true feelings in order to minimize the reality of the situation.   This is a way of dismissing your feelings.

How do you feel helpless in your life?

If you weren’t feeling helpless over food, what would you feel helpless about?

If you weren’t focused on being powerful over food and hunger, what would you be focused on?

If you weren’t trying to control food, what would you be trying to control?

*My appreciation & thanks go to Dr. Axel Hoffer and Dr. Dan Buie for their inspiring paper “Helplessness and Our War Against Feeling It”

Feelings Are All Right

                                                                                                                           
Recently Sloane (not her real name) arrived late. Before our session she had an appointment with a realtor, who got a flat tire and was over thirty minutes late - which in turn made her late for the session.    

“I’m so, so sorry,” she apologized. “I wouldn’t blame you if you were upset. It’s so rude and disrespectful for me to be this late.”

I wondered if she was upset at the realtor who kept her waiting.

“Not at all,” she shrugged. “It’s not his fault that he had a flat tire. I don’t have the right to be upset. I can’t be mad if there’s a good reason for what happened.”

Although she expected me to be upset that she was late, also for circumstances outside her control, she could not give herself the same right.

“You know what really upsets me? The bagel I ate for breakfast. Disgusting!”  She went on to criticize her weight, her lack of control and various other perceived deficiencies.

Sloane did not give herself the right to be angry that she’d been kept waiting, whatever the circumstances, and instead expressed that anger and frustration by finding fault with her body and life choices.

She denied her anger, and then took it out on herself.

Feelings are not rational.  Emotions are outside the purview of logic.   If you deny and dismiss your feelings towards other people, it’s likely that you will turn on yourself in one of the following ways: 

·      Eating to express the feelings via the action of eating (ie, expressing anger by eating something crunchy like chips, an apple, pretzels).

·      Using food for comfort (ie, eating ice cream, cookies, soothing food).

·      Redirecting your feelings by attacking your body (as in the example above).

Here are some other ways people dismiss or deny their feelings:

·      “I’m mad at the situation, not the person”

·      “I shouldn’t feel that way. “

·      “It’s wrong to be angry” or “It’s not nice to be upset”

·      “I don’t want to be an angry (depressed/anxious/) person.”

·      “So what if that bothered me?  Other people have it a lot worse!”

Do any of these statements sound familiar?  If so, give yourself the right to feel what you feel.

Feelings aren’t a reflection of your character or personality.  They are reactions to situations.

Your feelings need your attention, not your condemnation!

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